Cinemalaya Cinco.

Watched Cinemalaya with twin. Sadly, hindi ko napanood yung gusto ko panoorin which is 'Dinig sana kita' and 'Astig'. Though, i like 'Mangatyanan' and the short films. Na-disappoint naman ako sa 'Concerto', or maybe, hindi lang ako maka-relate, but i must say that technicality wise and original story, okay ang Concerto. Btw, we saw untong, konting kwento kwento and picture picture. Then, saw COM41 people- i saw my mama bear and papa bear. yey! it's nice to see batchmates again. Nakakamiss ang school eh. After mag-cinemalaya marathon, went home happy. Breathe of fresh air ang indie films- like whoa. I wish i could be in the indie movie industry, Kahit nga raket lang, okay na ako dun. pero malabo pa yun sa ngayon eh. :(
And oh, i bought a shirt that says: 'i ♥ FILM", and though it's a bit costly for a shirt, go lang! for the love of films.

my TWO people.

Went to MOA for the Harry Potter date with the JOU people. Yey! Okay, I saw Marco again. Good thing, didn't feel anything naman. I finally had moved on. really? Yes, yes. I really think so. Although i must admit that he will remain and will also be special. Weird ng feeling, man.

***

Anyway, back to the HP movie, medyo disappointed ako. Kasi, i had read the book again diba? so medyo fresh pa yung details, then sa movie andaming revisions and andaming alteration which is not a good thing, although okay naman yung sequence and all and man, the effects are GREAT! i love the fire thing-y and the inferi scene. The best yun. After the movie, meryenda sa food court, i only ate ice cream since my stomach ache's like its gonna explode. Hell. I texted my boss, and i honestly know, she's mad at me, so the rest of the day-out is messed up. na-paranoid ako dun and i worry most of the time, kaya sumabay nalang ako kila Sam and Marco pauwi. As usual, HP Movie ang usapan, wala talaga akong masabi kay Marco, he's a real fan. Nawindang ako kasi alam na alam niya talaga LAHAT. Come on! Medyo palagay na ako na kausap siya, i dont get distracted na, and i feel at ease, unlike before na medyo nahihiya ako and all, but its crazy to think na when i look at him, wala na yung intensity. Anyway, hell ang traffic pa-cavite, it s*cks dahil my stomach ache's like MAD. as in mad. Argh. :(

***

Went to shop, online and Emman PM'd me at YM thru Kuya Randee's. Weird kasi, after a month, ngayon nalang siya ulit nagparamdam. He said he missed me, i felt my heart was gonna explode from joy, but i tried to control it, the good thing about me now, in this unexpected situation is my ability to keep myself intact although i should be vulnerable.but yes, I hope, i honestly hope that he really missed me. Pero alam mo yun, i wanted to protect my heart again- i brutally want to stay as intact as possible so i wont be swept away again. I know, i still love him and i still miss him more than anyone, pero minsan, kahit gaano ko kagusto sabihin yung mga bagay na yun sa kanya, hindi assurance yun para bumalik siya.. and my mind say's: Risk Joni, risk.

Restless.

After going home after the tiring meeting last night, i had a sleep over to my boss' crib, and went home at 1pm. Got my first monthly pay. But i had this feeling na im really really not happy. Since, honestly, im not happy in my current job. *sigh* After going home, take a bathe and went to Manila again for the Pldt and Smart errrand and the turn-over at Hyatt for tomorrows Wedding. Gees. Wala akong pahinga! Good thing, Ate Angel and Ate Mar is very nice kaya i felt comfort kahit pano, since im really not feeling well. The Bride which is Ms. Dottie, is really really funny and really nice. I like her. She's one of the coolest bride ever, and i say, she is a HAPPY bride- a beautiful one. Sana, i could be happy like her din. *sigh* The last time im happy feels like an ages ago.

***

Went home at 1am in the morning coming from Lawton, ALL BY MYSELF. Am i brave? Haha. Indeed. Okay, Honestly, I had to confess that day by day, im not really enjoying what im doing, not because it makes me tired, actually, hindi naman siya nakakapagod. Seriously. pero i feel lonely and sad most of the time. Really hell of a sad. :(

I ask: If its worth fighting for.

Today, i visited my alma mater- DLSU-D with my thesismates, and yes, i was super HAPPY. Hindi ko ma-explain yung happiness when i saw them. parang nawala lahat ng sadness ko even for awhile. We took a picture, kamustahan, hug, kiss and that just it. Hindi ko nakuha grad pic ko, my solo picture during graduation was missing, I still dont have my alumni card. Okay, define bad luck= Joni. Still, happy pa din ako umalis ng school because i get to be with my friends kahit 40 minutes lang. I felt like Bad luck was following me: walang van sa tapat ng school, so sa may walter pa ako sumakay, i waited for almost 2 hrs. in alabang, both in mcdo and bonas coffee. The waiting is nothing actually, i could wait for hours, pero yung feeling ng loneliness and depression, its a bit deadly.

***

I made the turn-over sheet and i really dont know what im doing, and ill admit it. Alam ko naman yung gagawin ko, pero para akong nalipad. Im totally out of my system. Feeling ko, irritated na yung boss ko, obviously. Im speechless, i dont know how to defend myself, and i reallly dont know what to do. Lately, wala na ata talaga akong ginawang tama. Everything that i did, parang may sablay. Though i know, im doing my hardest to do it. Before leaving, I cried in the bathroom, because i dont feel well, my body aches, my head aches, i felt i was really down, i felt everything was crashing down. For the first time in my life, i felt i got no one to turn to. Then on my way home, i speak to god, i told him i felt like quitting, i ask him to give me more strength and to guide me. Also, i ask for god sign about emman, i ask him if its worth going this far, if its worth a shot, if its still worth fighting for. Then, i heard 'All i need', i felt like crying again.

***

yes, everything is a mess right now, im such a mess, but i know, god just wants me to cling into him. God wants me to have faith, and to surrender everything to him, I wish he could hear me, i know he could.

God, hear me.

Today, I bought a gray pants, a white business attire shirt, and 2 shoes. So, lahat ng pinambili ko, sa sweldo ko kukunin. So, wala akong savings. Darn, temptation. But i think, its worth it. I just love the shoes. hehe. Anyway, good thing, hindi ako sinama ng boss ko sa meeting niya today, because im not really feeling well. Lately, im feeling very sick and i dont know why.

***

Im getting sadder and sadder and sadder. I just wish someone would save me from all of this. I wish God would hear my heart, even if yes, i always forgot to pray. Lately, im wishing a lot. Mostly, i wish for patience and strength that i surpass the challenges im facing, that id be able to get the courage to stand up each time i fall. Weird, kasi lately, sobrang sunod sunod talaga yung nadating na burden sakin, hindi pa ako nakaka-stand up, bibigyan na naman ako ng another burden, I felt I was being challenged and tested all the time. I know, its not a feeling lang eh, i know god has plans and i know that it's always for the best, but i wish, god didnt trust me that much.

bittersweet.

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired." - Mother Theresa

Today, Im finishing my special gift to my special someone which took me a month to make. Hindi naman siya mahirap gawin, its just that, nasasaktan ako each time may maaalala ako but the funny thing is, habang tinatapos ko na yung gift, i feel happy and loved. Siguro, may mga part na nahuhurt ako, pero mas malaki yung percentage na happy ako while doing it and while creating it because most of the things i see is our happy faces, our fun times together, and the moment we were so inlove. yes, our happy moments, our bittersweet memory. I know, im just hurting myself because of this mushy-gushy thing i made for him, but hey, this made me happy. Soon, i'll give that to him. really soon, and i hope, its not too LATE.

We are in this world to grace other people through our goodness despite the evilness of the world.

Firstly, I don't know how to explain this and why i wanted to say this. I really wanted to quit. Honestly, i am not a quitter, and i don't want to be one, because i know for a fact that i am trying my hardest to cope and to do my best in every way i can. Lately, im getting more and more complain :( And it crushed me to death because i know, I am trying my best to cope, and i know for a fact that im just starting and i have a lot of things to learn in order to perfect EVERYTHING. I know i have no right to defend myself because in real world, you are the one whose gonna adjust all the time- not them. Its just sad, because i didn't get the chance to prepare myself for this. I didn't prepare myself to be tougher, smarter, and braver so i can somehow meet their expectations. I know, we are all bound to FAIL one way or another, and so, even if right now, this very moment, im very very discourage, i would still try and try to understand, forgive, and try again and although i feel dejected, slow, flop and a failure, i am still proud of myself because i remain humble and kind despite the things i've experiencing and feeling this moment. Yes, it is a tough world outside, really tough. People will never appreciate your goodness most of the time, they will crush you, and break you and will leave you dumbfounded. But yes, we are all always put to test in order to prove our worth and our strength. We are in this world to grace other people through our goodness despite the evilness of the world. We are bound to fail, because we are also bound to succeed, and we are bound to get hurt, stepped on, crushed because we are bound to grow, to love and to achieve greatness.

I'll leave this with my favorite quote of Mother Teresa:

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, People may Accuse you of Selfish, Ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be Honest and Frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

When life becomes a MESS.

There comes a time when you think that your a mess, and that time for me is NOW.
Everything is messed up. My work which i cant cope up and i cant perfect a task. I feel like im such a LOSER. bakit ganun? argh. HINDI KO DIN ALAM. Feeling ko ang tanga ko at ang slow ko. Why cant i be the person i wanted to be? i know, nothing starts easy and real world is a battlefield, but i just cant seem to stand up and fight back.

***

Whats with the YM picture? nothing. He's just online and i wanted to buzz him and say HI, but i cant. Okay, im a loser, im a quitter, im afraid, im a coward and im such a negative thinker. But this what makes me wanna go on:

`randee de castro: nde naman lahat ng tao kasing bait mo (YM)
`first: tinitignan ko yung sa info ng mga bohgs.. nakita ko tong sayo: "i have a good heart and that's all you need to know.♥" pwede ko dagdagan first?you have a GOOD and FRAGILE heart and that's all they need to know. take care first, love you! :) (facebook)

***

He is everywhere.

My first ever corporate event assignment, one word and i couldnt say enough: TIRING.
but i know i did my best. Lagi naman e, in everything i do, i try my best and my hardest to do my job well. Although, im adjusting and coping up, i know i have a LOT of catching up to do.
But honestly, alam kong nahihirapan ako mag-cope. I dunno why, but i felt like quitting. Hindi ko alam, all of a suddent, i felt i wanted to quit because im not happy, and being not happy with what you do means suffering. Alam ko, marami akong uncertainties and worries, and im all mixed up. Hindi ko alam what's with me that makes me feel unsure about a lot of things. Alam ko, im just starting with my work, and ive got a lot of things to learn, and although, i have a lot of uncertainties and fears, i know ive got to fight hard to still believe. More patience Joni, patience is a virtue.

***

Went home at 130am. Tired, lonely, sad. he always crept into my thoughts- all the time, anytime. even if im working, even if im travelling, even if im about to sleep, even if i just woke up, even if im eating, even if im texting, even if im just staring at the blank space.

He is everywhere.

its always the silent pain that hurts.

Went to SM Bacoor to get application forms and flyers my boss told me to do, thenATC to meet up with her, and to serendra- xchoclat the chocolate cafe. Oh gees. Its all coming back. Hindi naman ako naiiyak, i just felt sad kasi, this is where he told me that he loves me. The very first time! I wanted to shout, to cry, to breakdown but i cant. Its always the silent pain that hurts.

***

Meeting with the September bride, Ms. Abby. First time ko ma-insecure, kasi feeling ko, her husband loves her so much. Sana it meant to last forever. Haha. Ang weird, kasi hindi naman ako naniniwala sa forever. But let me tell you this, I believe, kahit walang forever, if you really love the person even if he leaves, he will always be in your heart no matter what. He will leave you something that you will definitely treasure as long as your heart beats. And when you find that person, the moments you have together, is both your forever. and if you ask me, if he leaves me something wonderful things to treasure, indeed, yes. he makes me believe that even in the short period of time, love can be magical, and it will give you such HAPPINESSyou cant imagine can be possible. When he came, everything is just so spectacular.

I was born to wait forever.

I threw up bago palang ako makarating sa MCDO ATC sa sobrang hang-over. good thing, water lang. i knew i would threw up, kaya water lang kinain ko for breakfast. wow. Okay,

Meet-up with Mam Teena at ATC Mcdo for our meeting in Tagaytay Highlands. Buti, i feel better na. Meeting went okay. Then, punta naman sa Makati for another one. Whew.

Realizations for the day: This is it. Welcome real world, where tough and strong people are. Poor me, im not that ready. Feeling ko, gusto ko na agad mag-give up. Im so not like this. Siguro kasi, ive got a lot of things running in my head. My heart aches all the time, Im not that prepared at hindi ako yung type of person na madaling mag-cope. pero sabi nga nila, sa real world, hindi sila ang magaadjust para sayo, you have to take a splurge to the unknown.

***

Lately, im getting sadder, and sadder. Hindi ko na nga alam kung pano maging masaya. Literal. I felt I was really doomed to be sad all my life, which is i know, a negative thing, i know, but i cant help it. I felt i was born to wait forever. Waiting is my forever. Isnt it sad? It is.

torture.

"That moment was like a dream baby.. parang walang time, walang tao, tapos its not just about the kiss pero I felt a deep connection.. Sorry baby, baduy ko.. hehe.. we were both at the right place and time.. Between the stars and waves.. That was magic baby.. That moment is forever.."

I typed some of his past text messages on m.word including that one. Imma gonna print it and do something about it. Then, bam. Brown out. I type it all over again. Hindi ako naiiyak na inulit ko i-type, naiiyak ako kasi, paulit ulit kong binabasa yung mga txt nya. define torture. Speaking of more torture, he was online today in ym. Dang! it took me by surprise, at nanginig talaga ako when he appeared online. Seriously. Nawala na naman ako sa system ko and i dont know what to do. I wanted to buzz him, i wanted to say hi, and i hope, badly hope he feels the same. Ano nga bang gagawin ko? wala.wala.wala. And after 15 minutes, i logged out.

***

Went to Gillie's place to drink up because I know i needed it. I needed to get out, forget, and have fun. Im with keem, arvin, karla, eco, kc, of course gillie. I got drunk and got wasted. This is what torture feels like. I know, i shouldnt be doing this and that but i continued because the pain comes in a rush and i dont know how to stop its tremendous power over me. I felt for once, that im dying inside. slowly dying.

indeed. :(

Hope.

Sometimes, we have no choice but to HOPE just a little bit more.

***

May night out sana kami ngayon ng bad brothers and Esem, I dunno what happened at hindi na natuloy. Honestly, im really pissed and disappointed. I needed to get out and have fun, but unfortunately didnt happen today. Dang! Im such a loser.

Got to Believe.

"I didn't believe in forever toni,

But i think,

i found forever in you."

-Rico Yan; Got to believe

Watched my all-time favorite local movie 'Got to believe' and i find myself crying again for the nth time.

***

Went to Glorietta for the costing of the save-the-date card in printed matter which my boss told me to do, medyo nahirapan ako hanapin, but its okay, atleast, kasama ko tropa. Yes, im with Honey, Yakisova and Kisses, humabol si Achie and Khuleetz. Honestly, It's not planned pero dun kami the best, yung hindi planado. We had dinner and all, then we had session in Monkey Bar after, actually, move on party ni khuleetz yun. *love you khuleetz* After nun, nagsleep over sila sa house. Laughtrip. You know, the good thing about being with them is i get to escape from everything. My friends, really is my comfort zone. Proven and Tested.

***

I still miss him, everyday.

its meant.

me: im so glad you came..
him: and im so glad i found you...
me: its meant.
me: do u believe in that?
him: yes
him: definitely.
***
Today, I read all our chat conversations. I felt like crying, again. Ang hirap magreminisce kasi para kong sinasaksak ang sarili ko at tinatadtad ng pira-piraso and the sad thing is, wala akong magawa to stop it. I just have to endure it, till it stops. Till it ends.

what on earth im waiting for?

"what on earth I'm waiting for
I'm not supposed to love you anymore
Oh I shouldn't care and wonder where and how you are
but I can hide this hurt inside my broken heart
I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before
'cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore"
-Im not suppose to love you anymore; Brian White

Finally, got a song that BEST describes what i feel today.