Tonight, im wishing for happiness and nothing else.

Slept the whole day. woke by by 1130 pm, kasi super ingay na sa labas. everyone's enjoying new year, this is suppose to be my favorite holiday, pero ang weird ng feeling ko tonight e, parang wala ako sa sarili. Maybe, im thinking too hard and too much. Im happy and sad, or both. 2009 started in pain, and now, im ending it with pain. Sana, hangang dun na lang yun. For once, i wanted to be happy. yung genuine happiness na nababasa ko sa libro, kasi if they felt it, im sure, mararamdaman ko din yun in time, pero sana, ngayon na yun. 2009 is definitely my year, im sure of that. lost many important people, cried like a river, numb to pain, i dont wanna experience it anymore in the coming year. Tonight, im wishing for happiness and nothing else. I wanted to laugh so hard, breathe freely, smile genuinely, love and be loved back and live like im dying. Im lifting all this to god, because he knows, how id brutally wanted this.

game over.

i was hurt more than irritated to see him again. i was ignoring his stares, i was trying my best not to look at him. I was ignoring him, but im really not good at it, i know. Ang hirap. I felt like my heart was crashing everytime im around him. In my mind, i wanted him to feel how hurt i am, pero pano nga yun mangyayari, if he doesnt know anything na alam ko na, im just one of his girls who fall on his stupid pit. I want him to go crazy figuring things out. I want him to miss me even if its too damn impossible because i know he never will. Yun yung mahirap e, lalo na pag wala kayong commitment. bawal ka masaktan, kasi talo ka. tama joni, game over na. tama e, talo nga ako.

He could have been so much more if he's a good guy.

i slept the whole day, and as i woke up, memories of what we had creeps me. Hindi yun madami, pero parang lahat nag-re-replay all at once. Galit ako, as in for the first time in my life, ngayon lang ako nagalit ng ganito sa tao. Im so not like this. Siguro lang, galit din ako sa sarili ko for being too vulnerable and gullible. I hate myself for trusting too much and for falling in love too fast. I hate myself for not learning and listening, kaya eto, im more broken than ever. Feeling ko, i can't be fix by anyone anymore, because im slowly losing trust on man. tama sila e, boys are all the same- they are jerks, losers, and a**sholes. literally speaking. Hindi ako mahilig mag-curse because i dont know how, pero right now, i felt i wanna curse all man. :( Kung sa galit, totoong galit na galit ako, kasi i felt like he treated me like a crap, na im just a toy and i know in my heart that i dont deserve it. He's young and yes, he has the capacity to break every girls heart, pero sayang kasi siya. He could have been so much more if he's a good guy. Hindi cool and mga lalaking pinaglalaruan ang feelings ng mga babae. It makes them so much more of a loser.

***

Secondly, i wanna get over with a lot of thoughts about him. I wanna get over him SOON, i wanna get over to the thought that he almost had me. I wanna get over my feelings for him, i wanna get over to this pain and madness. I wanna get over with his kiss. I wanna get over to the thought that i've been fooled. I really really wanna get over HIM, all day long he had consumed me, ayoko na. Kung may ways nga lang akong magagawa for him to change, gusto ko gawin. but he's still young and he's playing around, pero hindi yun excuse para makapanakit siya diba? :(

i was angry.

i was angry and hurt, i was in pain. Sabi ko na nga ba eh, i was risking for nothing. I felt like a stupid toy. I felt like a crap. I knew this will happen, but why too soon? hay. okay, i should've thanked the one who said that "im just one of the girls". ouch! i hate it, why this is always happening to me? is this a curse? wala naman akong ginagawang masama for me to be cursed? Why, oh why? i liked him too much that it really pains me, alam mo yun, im willing to risk everything and anything for him, tapos, he'll treat me like a toy? i know i dont deserve him, i dont deserve to be treated that way because i know my worth, pero yung thought kasi na i've been fooled, that, i hoped that he is different, it's just too much. I was really angry, and i never ever wanted to see him, because i know it'll just break my heart into tiny little pieces. Im scared as hell, and now i know why. :((

flying and falling.

Finally, i was able to spend time with him-alone... and it was heaven. Got the chance to talk to him, hold his hand, be beside him all the time and be with him more than an hour. Bihira lang yun mangyari, and i had a great time. I felt flying and falling both at the same time. Ganun ko siya ata ka-gusto eh. I was crazy, i know. Basta, all the things we shared that day, that night.. will never be easily forgotten. It's just too hard to get over with. But to tell you honestly, nung sinundo niya kami, and when he smiled at me, that's the one that leaves me breathless. That smile... really knocks me down. I was scared, nakakatakot yung ganitong feeling because i know it'll not last for too long, or im just scared to get hurt again, or both. I was scared, I was so d*mn happy, I was really really scared, and i dont know why.

event of the year.

***

the best way to end the year is to spend it with my favorite friends on earth- bohgita and touchy people :-) We had lunch in Dencios Tagaytay and it was a blast, define laughtrip. Missed laughing so hard, the last time i did so, was also with them. tagal na. Nakakamiss talaga yung samahan. It was just a short bond, pero feeling ko super tagal. siguro, ganun talaga when you loved your friends too much, at totoo naman, sobrang mahal ko sila! :-) After the Bohgita bonding, finally, nakumpleto din ang touchy people! tagal naming hinintay to, and finally it happens. Dinner at yellow cab, had a few talks, laugh and nomnom. After dinner, hinatid namin si hany sa kanila, reminiscing the old thesis days! haha! im the last one to go home, but its alright, had a great great time. Happy Happy post-christmas. :-)

Christmas 09.

***

Christmas has always been a family reunion to us, were we all had lunch and sing along together, this year has been fun, kasi may pa-games and all at may konting aguinaldo. pwede na. :D
We had fun naman, got to be with my cousins and pig out! nomnom. :-)
***
Merry Christmas Everyone! :-)
Have a good good one.

christmas eve.

***

although i wasnt able to treat my family to tagaytay steak-it as i planned, i was able to treat them naman in gerrys grill, SM Bacoor... and i felt more than happy because i was able to bond with them as a whole. Minsan lang to mangyari, and i was really grateful to god for the opportunity. Hopefully, we could do this more often. I love the Kare-Kare and Sisig in Gerrys', but i love my family more. Indeed, it was a Merry Christmas! :-)

fireworks.

***

Maybe, love still works for me. After five months, i think, my heart is beating again. Thanks to this guy whom im really head over heels with. Akala ko, wala na akong magugustuhan pang iba more than emman, but to tell you honestly, iba naman talaga si emms, but that's a different story. Anyway, i think, i really really like this guy that im willing to lose all my pride. I know, i know he's a bit young, but i'll still go for it and we'll see.
***
went to trinoma for the dragons meet-up, super tagal ng hintayan pero okay lang naman, got to bond with other dragons din, and it was fun. After ko masundo si kheshi, saw HIM na, oh god, i missed him so much! *arte*, hindi ko siya matignan e, or malapitan, i felt my heart was beating like mad everytime he looks at me. After the christmas party, i was able to be with him, he texted me to go out, by the time i wnet out, he made me look up in the sky and saw fireworks, ang tagal ko daw kasi lumabas, kaya hindi ko masyado naabutan. Oh gees. Ayun, we talked, then we hold hands, then he hugged me. It was the best feeling in the world, it was euphoric. I felt cared and loved all at the same time even if i knew nothing about him, even if its too damn scary to expect something in return. That moment, wala akong ibang maramdaman but pure bliss, i felt it was gonna be the start of something. I hopefully wish, it's gonna be a start of something.

I am sorry.

i've caused too much disappointments, stress and inconveniences to my too good boss and officemate, krinel. mas lalo tuloy akong nadisappoint sa sarili ko, because i know they expected something from me na hindi ko na-achieve. Im too selfish, feeling ko ako lang yung nahihirapan, when they really deserve more from me. I was insensitive kasi hindi ko iniisip yung nararamdaman nila everytime i fail. I was sorry. I was really really sorry to my boss, and i take the urge to spill it out, kahit unprofessional yung dating. They said, i shouldnt be saying sorry, but i should say that i will try better next time. And i promise myself, that i will. promise myself not to disappoint them again. Hopefully.
***
My oh so good bosses gave us super nice presents this christmas, gave us 1 month bonus na talagang kinagulat ko and maybe, ni krinel din. Sir Jamie, who has been good to me also gave me a present, which i'll be forever thankful.
***
Went to Circle Island to meet with my few HS friends, stayed there for an hour, konting kwentuhan lang, then went home as early as i never really expected. Sorry guys.

UL year-end.

***

UL year-end was a success, and i am not. Grabe yung binigay kong inconveniences to everyone. I felt such a loser. Drain na drain na ako that time, para akong nalipad. Literally. Siguro without Tito and Jerome, mahihimatay ako sa emotional stress, no, emotional catastrophe that i felt every minute, no, make it every second. sabi ko nga, gusto ko na ma-hospital. I really dont know what the hell came into me, why im so tired, drained and empty that day. But i got the answers to Tito, he said a lot of things to me that really hits me and made me cry. Sabi nya, wag daw ako magmadali, lahat daw kasi ng nagmamadali, prone sa dapa. Kaya ayun, that explains how clumsy am i, physically and emotionally. Andami pa actually, sayang yung mga wisdom that tito had imparted, kaya lang i was just so lost that time that i wasnt able to put all in my head. FAIL.
***
went to SM Sta Mesa after the event for the traditional SCC Christmas Party, thanks to tito! :) I came obviously late, since they're all packed na, and ready to leave. boo! :( meeting up with the Elites i missed so much is such a happy feeling, too bad, hindi ko naabutan sila SAM. But anyhoo, i'm happy to see them again. :)

five chocolates.

went to SM North for my first event in Events Embassy. I was badly asleep the whole ride on the way to batangas, halatang pagod. Anyway, works light and im really enjoying myself with the company of the EE team, they're just so nice. We spent the whole free time using photobooth! Nagsawa talaga kami :) After the Wedding, we got lots of chocolates from the give-aways. yay! :)
***
Went to ortigas office again, nagpamigay ng uwi kong chocolates.. even if im really really tired. I just wanted to see him, lucky enough, i was able to be with him kahit saglit lang. I dont wanna think na sweet kami in some ways, but dang! my heart's really expecting somehow. I gave him 5, para, "i love you very much" daw! *kilig*

emotional stress.

grabe yung emotional stress ko today, i've been crying and crying, i really felt like giving up. I felt more than like a crap and i can't do anything right anymore. And so i listen to "Forever" by Hillsong, and i cant stop the replay button and cry all the tears i could shed that night.
***
Went to ortigas office, saw him, and i felt really really sad that we're not able to talk. We just look at each other before they finally left. Ang hirap ng ganitong set-up. puro tingin lang, wala pang assurance. hell.

first training.

first training with the dragons was a blast! super laughtrip dahil kay jr (bojie's brother). Saw my crush din, as usual, i missed him. When i saw him, syempre hindi ako pa-obvious, but im really looking forward on talking to him, kahit saglit lang. During the training, he texted me, saying na andun pala ako. Ayun, kinilig naman ako. After training, we had the "pakilala thing-y", grabe, im just too shy that time, i didnt know what to say lalo pa katabi ko siya. Sobrang na-consumed ako ng happiness because kinukulit niya ako that time. :-)
Went home late but really happy and kinikilig. I wish... hmm. okay, too early for that. :)

tagaytay with my soul sisters.

***

tagaytay mass with my bohgs at pink sisters and dinner at steak-it was a breath of fresh air, as always. i super had fun, been laughing and laughing like mad even if were freezing to death sa lamig that night. For a change, we had coffee not in starbucks magallanes square but in Summit Ridge. It's just a short bonding, but it was a blast. Looking forward for more bondings, because i super love my girls.

increase.

***

Instead of the tagaytay wedding, been to the Fernbrook wedding. Whew. I came early kaya ako nagintroduce ng self ko as coordinator. grabe. na-lost ako ng konti. Good thing, ang babait ng family ng groom and bride, kaya hindi ako nahirapan at all. May mga konting flaws lang ako sa crew meals na kinainit ng dugo ni Ate Diana, but the rest was all good. Saw jersh in Bellevue, and im just happy seeing her again for a long time. Grabe, she's prettier now. :-)
***
The ceremony was okay, did my best and i felt i did well naman. After the ceremony, nagkaron ng unexpected accident na kinagulat ng lahat. A principal sponsor just fell on the stairs, kaya nagkagulo. Good thing, everyone responded immediately. whew. Reception was all good. Nakakapagod at nakaka-drain lang talaga ng energy. After the wedding, dun ko nalaman that are TF just increased, whew. happy :)

crush's first text message.

early today- like midnight. got his (crush's) first ever text message. heaven yung feeling. For the first time in five months, kinilig ulit ako.

here's my favorite message:

him:"next time, pag me time aq hatid kta. :)"
***
Finish all my task at work early, thus, i went home early. whew. Thank god for this rare chance :-)

i cant catch up.

Technical meeting at the Arena with the FW team. Of course, medyo lost ako but im slowly getting by. I dont know why all of a sudden, tinatamad ako. I really really dont know why, parang ayoko masyado kumilos o makipag-usap. Kahit nung nasa meeting na kami sa Greenhills, i felt so lost and flying, it's just not me. There are just so many things running inside my head and i cant catch up.
***
Went to Ortigas office, plain tambay lang kami ni reyiel. Luckily, i saw him agad. I super miss him! Grabe. And here's a thing, he sang for me. I love his voice, super na-swept away ako, paid-off yung pagod after work e. Im always looking forward on seeing him, even if im tired na or drained. Para siyang energizer, he gave me intense energy, lalo na when he hold my hand and said he was paralized. haha! Define kilig. :-)
PS:
Met a pretty little girl named, Kheshi. I know we'll be friends. :-)

not my best.

***

the last day of EC Convention is just okay just like yesterday. Sleeping and Sleeping again. Boo! tsk. pero mas alam ko na gagawin ko ngayon at hahanda, pero not my best... i know. After the event, took a lot of pictures with the 10 inch pro guys because they're just too nice. Anyway, although i felt like failure to this event, still thankful na nalampasan ko naman yung challenges. I hope, hindi na ako maging sloppy and slow sa next event. *crossed fingers*

Inconveniencies.

EC Convention was just okay, been sleeping and sleeping. Grabe, i felt all my energy was drained even if the works just easy. Siguro, feeling ko im a crap and i cannot do anything right there and then. I was slow and sloppy all at the same time. On our way home, my bosses said the event is okay, since its just a small event, pero yun nga, i brought inconveniencies which is really really a bad thing... and it's definitely not okay. :/

felt like crap.

i had a one on one conversation with Sir Jamie (my boss). I can feel and see that he is disappointed with me and my attitude towards my work. Hindi ko din talaga alam why am i so like this lately. Hindi naman ako ganito before. Siguro, habang kinakausap niya ako, i felt like giving up, i felt i dont deserve this work because im not giving my 100% when they give 101% trust on me. I felt like crap that moment, unti-unti ko na nafi-feel na im a failure. Am i mean to myself? YES.

'ME' time.

Made a new account both in FB an FS. Why? hmm. Secret. :P
***
Luckily, naka-abot ako sa BDO, SM Bacoor to check my account. Good thing at naging okay naman at hindi na-debit. whew. Went home, and yes, rest time= me time tonight.(meron pa pala ako nun) Firstly, I painted my nails yellow, for goodluck. Sana effective. haha! :D I finally watched the Grand Finale of Project Runway Philippnes Season 2, and i loved it! Naiyak ako when Manny won, he's really my bet. He really deserved it. then,watched also MMK, Dawn Zulueta's acting was a superb. na-amaze lang talaga ako. Lastly for my 'me' time, i slept early. whew. :-)

10 seconds.

after works done, we had a team meeting. whew. very very very busy December. Sana, i wont get sick sa dami. The last time kasi, during the CMMA nagkasakit ako after, hopefully this time, hindi naman. Nawiwindang na nga ako sa dami, pero dapat kayanin. Go,go,go! :-)
***
Went to Galleria to meet up with my HS batchmates, and my bestfriend Bea because their my guest. Medyo ang weird ko ngayong araw because my mind is really flying. Hindi ako makapag-focus. Plus, im really sad na hindi ko nakikita yung crush ko. shoot! but anyway, wala naman akong magagawa about dun. Enjoy nalang ako with reyiel and bojie, who i spend most of my time tonight because i cant withdraw a single money, thanks to them, for comforting me. But anyway, meron akong isang crush who really made my day! He's super cute! haha. Before i go home, he held my hand and said, "10 seconds". then my mind says, "pwedeng 20 nalang?" haha! Kilig. :P Went home by 10pm, naligaw pa ako sa MRT station, stupid talaga! haha. Ayun, sabay sabay kami umuwi tonight. nakakapanibago, first time ko may kasabay pauwing cavite. :P

Bellini's Ocular.

Did all the task i needed to do today, whew. After eating late lunch at my boss' home, i find myself trapped in the elevator, syempre, nataranta naman ako because the lights went off, i pressed all the buttons plus the emergency, and then i said, "Oh my God..." the elevator door just opens. Ang lakas ko talaga kay Bro. :-)
***
had an ocular at Bellini's in Cubao Expo with my boss- Sir Jamie. Eveything went okay naman, food's great- of course! Trivia: ito yung restaurant sa film na "One More Chance" Super lucky to be there. It's one of my all time favorite movie. :)

decision.

All works done! whew. madami, pero kaya naman. I take one step at a time, wag lang sana akong matataranta, its really really bad for me, kasi my heart skipped- literally. Anyway, this is it. decision's final kahit andaming negative feedback ang pumapasok, wala akong choice kundi, panindigan yun whatever the outcome may be. Went to Robinsons Galleria to meet up with reyiel, then boo and bojie. Everything's okay, and i feel very welcomed. Instant friends! Went home 130am na, tapos, mali nasakyan kong bus, so bumaba akong baclaran and ride a cab. Hassle. So stupid. argh. puyat again. FAIL! :(

RISK.

got only 4 hours of sleep-kakaisip. I just don't know what to do, or wat is my final decision. Went to work and still feel like a zombie. Although i had a lot of things to do, my thoughts are still flying. Risk or not to risk. Dang! my head's spinning. :/
***
On my way home, mas mataas na yung percent that i wanted to because im not getting any younger. that i should enjoy, have fun, invest, to move forward and to risk even if i am doubtful. I know this is one hell of a ride, and it's gonna be not easy. But with god, i have faith in him. Even if i fail, he will never ever let me down. I knew it. He always push me forward. But ofcourse, i should make an action. I dont know what step i need to take, and im really getting lost, but i'll find the light- surely will. So, help me GOD.