i did pass by again.

***

I was happy and afraid at the same time that i was accepted for my dream job: Editorial Assistant in a Travel Magazine. How was that? I felt like freakin' out. I literally don't know what to say or do after this day. I don't know exactly what to say to Mam Lorraine and Sir Goy. I felt really sad that today's gonna be my last day in the office. I can't literally imagine myself not working with them on Tuesday.

***

Dinner at Pancake house with Yakisova, Tween and Katherine. Super laughtrip lang and foodtrip. Super had fun catchin up with Kath, I really missed her. we all do. After dinner, we saw HIM but I think, he didn't saw us because he's so busy. But the moment i saw him after such a long time, i get so high that i wanted to pass by again and again and again till he saw me, but that's just stupid, oo na nga, stupid na kung stupid, but i did pass by again. Ito pa, after that incident, Di ko napigilang i-text siya, and so i did and the worst? i even said that i miss him. But the reply? it was frustrating as hell that i wanted to throw my fone out in the window.

they were like my family.

Okay, i need to finalize my decision before tomorrow comes. It's gonna be tough. *sigh*
Had a meeting today, it was supposed to be yesterday, but since they were off the office, it was pursued today. After the meeting, lenny and i talked during lunch, i confide him re: my application for the magazine firm that im dreaming of, she said that it's still my decision. Tama naman siya e, it's always be my decision, so i need to finalize things. Although i didn't like my job at the moment, i love my bosses, they were like my family. They are the ones who makes me literally stay. After work, i get to bond with lenny in ATC, we had meryenda in Siomai House and we had few talks. The bonding is okay, it was short, but i enjoyed sharing stories with her, because she's always there to listens.. without her by my side during this time, mababaliw ako.

he likes someone.

Just me and lenny at the office. What a cool change. I thought this day was petix day, but nah. I was so busy but luckily, i finished everything before the clock hits five. whew. Anyhoo, i was so surprised and i felt like freaking out when i received an email from Juan Phil. Magazine. I waited for this for so long and finally, i was given an opportunity and now, i was torn if i really wanted to go or not. It's gonna be a hard decision. Oh-oh.

***

First thing first, i was a loser. I opened his fb page again because lenny pushed me that she wanted to see the guy and my ex in FB. And there, i his saw post that gives me a hint that he likes someone. I felt like my heart's gonna sink. Oh no. I wanna cry and just go home, for real. Hindi ko alam bakit ako nasasaktan ng ganito e. Hindi naman dapat. Alam kong hindi naman talaga dapat.

fighting the urge.

I finally have an officemate! thank goodness. Okay naman si lenny kasama, we talked and shared a lot during her first day. Hoping in the long run that we'll get to know more about each other. Anyway, Petix lang at the office today, we had orientation for lenny then, same old stuff's. Nothing unusual. Siguro lang, mas tumataas yung determination ko na makabenta ng unit sa Hamptons. *fingers crossed* I need a commission! :)

***

I can proudly say that i am improving, kasi even though andun yung urge ko to open his page, napipigilan ko na at some point now. Struggling? yes yes. A lot.

back to pasay.

"Mas mabuting ikaw ang tumutulong kesa sa ikaw ang tinutulungan."
-got this from my mom
***

Went to Pasay to visit Lolo for he's currently sick right now. :( Tagal ko din hindi nakadalaw sa pasay, and i totally missed it. For over six months kasi, i stayed there to work and now, minsan minsan nalang ulit since im in cavite na. There are times, i wish na sana nasa manila pa din ako, Siguro, i just missed the old times where i go home late or i go to places without asking permission from mom or dad. In manila kasi, i felt free and wild. But then, at the back of my mind, im okay na where i was and to what was happening in my life. Although hindi na ako nakakapunta ng guillys or MGM to party or hindi na ako nakakapagbonding sa new friends ko sa Strata, i am happy that i am back to being simple. I get to sleep in my own room, I able to spent time with my college buddies and to be with my family after work. That's the true happiness and comfort. Anyway, back to Lolo, yes, he's pale and looks very sickly. Hindi ako sanay na nakikita siyang ganun. And seeing him like that, i felt worried. I hope he gets better soon-er. Went home with Auntie and Juro, mom will stay with lolo at the hospital. I keep my fingers crossed that Lolo's gonna be fine. He will be.

pathetic.

I am hoping he'd see me, just for once whenever i pass by. I pathetically wish for HIM to see me. But i know, he won't. Pathetic.

cleaned my inbox.

Supposedly, i was with Mam Lorraine in Makati for a seminar, but sadly i was stuck in the office with Sir Goy. The day wasn't bad at all naman, kasi, Sir Goy and i talked during lunch which is his treat! (thank you sir goy). May mga awkward moments lang just because, he's my boss but goodthing, the conversations we had run smooth naman. He shared a lot and vice versa. Sir goy is a really nice person, kaya nga iniisip ko kung sino mas maswerte, si sir goy or si mam lorraine, but i ended up in one conclusion: they are both lucky to find each other. plain and simple.

***

Tonight, i erased all the messages he had on my inbox. I need to. Weird that I've been treasuring some of our not-so-meaningful conversations for over a month already. I admit, i read it over and over before deleting, then i would smile and laugh because our conversation is so funny and yes, irritating. But at the same time, i get sad because we're not like this anymore. For the past weeks or months (i think), my fone's been a crap for i didn't text a lot. Do i miss him? of course i do. But it's not worth it anymore.

backslide.

"I never shut someone out of my life, unless they let me out."
-joni
***

Went to PLDT again for the application. yes, again. I feel gloomy today, actually, been gloomy for the past days. *sigh* Back to the office by lunch. Sir Goy and Mam Lorraine bought me chicken burger from KFC, but i reserved it for meryenda nalang. Generous bosses, i know. After lunch, i pursued on finishing the brochures and good thing, it's all done na. Had a short meeting re: canvass for the ad materials and that's it for today at the office.

***

Hindi na ako dumaan sa ATC. basta lang. haha. im not bitter, i just wanna get by as fast as i can and forget. I really really wanna get over it. But when i force myself to do so, i backslide. For the nth time, i did open his FB page again. I am such a loser. Okay, i know.

muntik na.

***

Had a heavy lunch at Brooklyn Pizza with Tween and Hany in ATC. Grabe, i was so full that i literally wanted to throw up. After lunch, we stayed till 1:30 in the circle while i'm hopelessly waiting for someone to appear even though, i dont freakin' know what am i waiting for. Okay, time's up. I need to get myself back to work. As usual, clerical works again at the office. By 6:30 we're all out in the office. Napasarap kasi yung kwentuhan. Sinabay nila ako ulit pa-ATC and unexpectedly, muntik na ako masagasaan for not looking left and right at the road. Tumaas talaga yung heartbeat ko, whew. I promise to be careful next time. :|

torn between two tensions.

***

I was torn between two tensions: Mam Lorraine and Ate Jenny. It's just too hard because i was both close to them. Mam Lorraine even talked to me regarding Ate Jenny and i can feel na she's having a hard time working with her. But later, i was touched when she said that she's hoping i won't change and that she likes the way i am and whatever happens on the past, wag daw akong magpapaapekto because i am a good person. That makes me swept away and that statement makes me love her more as a boss. Moving on, supposedly, mag lunch kami ni Ate Jenny but Mam Lorraine insist to have lunch with them nalang. We had lunch at Old Spaghetti House in Festival, the conversation is all about Ate Jenny, i explained Ate Jenny's points naman and i hope as some parts, napaintindi ko. It's really hard weighing things especially if may points naman pareho. Tough, really really tough. After lunch, Ate Jenny leaves the office. I felt she doesn't seem to contain it anymore, and i felt in the pit of my stomach that sadly, she's not coming back.

***

Meet-up with tween in ATC again. We shared and pour our hearts out that day, we are both in need of alcohol and a friend. After the dinner and one bottle of Gilbeys, na-tripan naming magpictorial sa may circle ng ATC and laughed our hearts out. I had a blast!

PS:
I give in, and tween let me. I asked twin na silipin siya at nakita naman daw niya. labo. haha.
Sana ako nalang nakakita. I just wanted to see him, kahit 5 seconds lang. :|
And before going to sleep, I open his page again, why can't i just stop? :|

my expectation was nonesense.

Went back and forth to Alabang-SM Rosario. Super tired and exhausting because of the scorching heat of the sun. Meeting with kuya joseph was fine although not that successful.

***

Went to ATC again with Ate Jenny, kwentuhan lang ulit. same old issues and drama, although yes, i get her points naman, may mga times na im wondering na maybe, she needs to understand more that the business is just starting. But i dont get her wrong naman, it's just that maybe, hindi na-meet ng company yung expectations niya and vice-versa.

***

Maybe, i was just really a friend. When i visited his page again in FB, nakita ko yung wallpost ng friend niya. the "hoooooy" is nerve-wracking kasi, fck. I dont wanna spill it out, pero ito nalang, it means something to me. Siguro nga, it's just me and my expectations, na wala naman talaga dapat i-expect, na im just a typical friend and the treatment he had given me, is the the same treatment he gives to anyone. *that sucks*

scrapbook.

Finally been able to fix my super messy room! (hooray!) while watching gossip girl. Blaire's line on the episode hits me so really bad: "All i ever do was love you". The Chuck-Blaire breakup was totally heartbreaking. :( Anyway, While im done cleaning, i suddenly saw the scrapbook i made for an ex, looked into it and read some of the cheesy lines. Does it still hurt? Nah. That scrapbook will always be reminder of how magically our love has been and sadly, how good things always seem to last.

***

I was so surprised when he commented on my primary photo again. And no matter how badly i wanted to pursue the 21-day rule, i break it. I missed him. Ang weird kasi hindi naman dapat ako ganito eh, hindi dapat ako nagrereact ng ganito, dapat normal lang. But everytime na nagpaparamdam siya, tumitiklop ako. :|

para sa nauumpog at nahuhulog.

***

Spent the whole day with Mam Lorraine at the office and lunch at KFC ATC, we had long and crazy talks about life, dreams, family and love. Sa lahat ng naging boss ko, she's the best. She's the most humble, kind and sincere. And being with her, work doesn't feel work.

***

I missed CENTRAL. Can't remember the last time been there, wala lang. nakakamiss lang. Good thing we're back. Yakisoba, tween and I session! yes! we miss you honey! The best pa din talaga ang badboy at mojo jojo. Went home before midnight, thankfully, hindi ako nalasing, although a bit tipsy. Just got home safe and sound. Whoo. Thank you alcohol the for company! Just when i needed you most. :)

PS:
I learned about the 21-day rule. That in a span of 21 days, you can either make or break a habit. Tween and I made a pinky-promise to NOT make any connections with our special someone within the period. I just hope, i could make it. Day one starts now.

paano ko sasabihin?

***

I was late. Our new sales supervisor- Ate Jenny waited for me for 30 minutes or so, just because i was so late. Sorry. Anyway, Ate Jenny's really nice and ma-kwento, but i like it since, we're just the two of us at the office and we'll gonna help each other every now and then. Had an orientation for Ate Jenny about the company profile that took our time during the morning. After lunch, went to different banks. Hindi ko nabilang kung ilan, but i think, it's 6 banks. It was tough of course, didn't know what to say and I don't know what to do, but as it goes, it went okay naman. It boosts my confidence a bit. Another mission accomplished task for me. hooray!

***

Went to Southmall with Ate Jen, she treated me dinner at Jollibee, we get to bond and we share the same issue about the work: salary. I'm a little bit mixed up. I still can't decide. It'll took me such a long time to figure out. Especially now, that Ate Jenny's bugging me about her demands. But i understand her naman because she's been into a big company and deserves a high-pay. But as to me, i dont know if good relationship with the boss can satisfy my needs. I am torn.

***

Movie date with tween, "Paano ko sasabihin" starring Enchong and Erich, It was a so-so movie, didn't like the hanging ending though. Hindi dahil bitin ako or anything, pero may mga films kasi na may reason why it is hanged, in "paano ko sasabihin" i didn't see a reason why the end should be hanged. Anyway, Lesson learned? I guess, when love is based on lie, the love becomes illogical obsession. After the movie, tween and i criticized the movie and how good enchong kissed erich in the movie. Then moved on talking about our love lives naman, but still, we end up getting back to Enchong's kiss. We simply can't get over it.

***

To my surprise, he texted a quote again. After reading it, i put my fone back on my purse. It's always like been like this. Hindi na ako nasanay. Hindi na naman ako dapat maapektuhan eh, pero apektado pa din ako.

If i do really matter.

I felt sad that Tita Mona's gonna leave tomorrow. It's just sad lang because she's like a mother to me na, she's always been supportive since i started the job. Bought the gift for her c/o Mam Lorraine and Sir Goy, hoping she'd liked it. :)

***

If it matters, if i do really matter, he would let me know. But as of now, i guess, he doesn't. He probably never will.

never be the same.

***

Jit fetch me together with of course, honey, twin and marlon's blockmates at St. James Church near ATC to gatecrash Ate Yze's hubby's party in LP, ayun, kain at session. One on one kami ni twin, although im a bit tough today, nahilo pa din ako. On our way home, laughtrip lang because jit's blockmates keep on teasing me about jo. *it makes me sad* Wala lang. Hearing his name just missed him more when im not supposed to. Okay, i dropped his name. haha. But you know what's funny? Even if i miss him everyday, i already start to get by. I get used to the fact that things will never be the same again.

to stay or to leave.

TO STAY OR TO LEAVE. That is the question. Im still confused if i wanted the job or im just pushing myself to like it because of the people i work with. Siguro, if they offered me a much more high salary, walang question that i really will definitely stay. Siguro, na-sa-sad lang ako that i can't save just like before. But in the back of my head, of course, money isn't everything. Minsan, ang hirap lang timbangin kung ano ang mas mahalaga, especially, if you have responsibility. But the thought of them, their warm company and presence, i just can't seem to do it.

***

There were times that I wish that every time i open his page, i could also get to open his heart.

I promise not to open his page, but i give in.

Sir Dennis liked the brochures i made. felt really proud because i really work hard on it. *whew* job well done, joni. Mam Lorraine gave me a welcome gift, isn't she the sweetest? Anyway, we had lunch at Pancake house with Sir Dennis and Mam Lorraine's brother. I had fun sharing stories with them, although syempre, may mga awkward moments, but the rest, i feel comfortable naman. They were just so nice.

***

Undertime at the office so i could I get an updated and new NBI Clearance. Good thing abot naman ako even if its past 3 na. I had it just 15 minutes or so. Cool!

***

I promise not to open his page, but i give in. Andun pa din yung urge ko to know what happening while i have no idea if he feels the same. but that doesn't matter naman, sometimes it does, pero kasi, i know naman the answer. It's just too hard not to hope na maybe.. maybe.. okay, here i go again. False hopes, joni. false hopes.

hide.

***

We're supposed to go skim boarding but unfortunately, hindi na naman natuloy. we end up in Rio, Indang. Session at ayun, nalasing ako. iyak lang ako ng iyak. :|

***

I opened his page *not again* Then, i decided to hide him on my news feed, just to avoid opening his page over and over again. I hope, it would work.

complete strangers.

slept the whole morning till lunch. I just wanted to just sleep the whole day to ease the sadness or to even not think of anything at all. Grabe yung sadness ko lately, never ako naging emotional ng ganito.

***

Ang weird. I like him too much even if i know, we were complete strangers.

the reply.

I love my boss, Mam Lorraine. She's so warm and she's easy to work with. Siguro, im gonna stick with this company, because of the people i work with. They are so humble and im just happy to be with them.

***

I can't help it. I texted him and said that i missed him, i even told him not to react. But unexpectedly, he does, but d*mn the reply just really frustrates me that i end up not to reply back. *sad*

he didn't.

first day at my new work. I was really bored and sleepy that during the orientation, i felt like my eyes were gonna shut. tsk. Anyway, i am hoping that im gonna make it and id be able to adjust faster. really faster.

***

He's online. And no matter how much i wanted to pm him, i just reallycant. I 'm hoping that he does, but sadly, he didn't.

imy.

"he's gone.poof.vanished into thin air. we'll there's no mixed messages here. He's made it clear that he's so not into you that he could'nt even bother to leave a post-it."
-he's just not that into you.

And then, he texted a quote. Bang. here i go again. I don't know where the hell i am anymore. When he said the magic word 'imy', i felt like my heart was gonna burst--of happiness. when i said that i miss him too, he said he liked it. wala na, na-swept away na ako. Lahat ng longingness and sadness for the past days, biglang nag-vanished. I hope, magtuloy-tuloy na. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, bumalik na kami sa dati. :|

exactly one month.

"when you wanted to cut the line, never forget to say goodbye."
-joni
***

One month after our first text marathon, i brutally wanted to text him but i chose not no. Lagi akong ganun, every date that has been memorable, tanda ko. That's why i always end up reminiscing. :| Not healthy, i know. My fone's been silent for days, walang text or anything coming from him. The sadness was getting extreme and i felt like im gonna burst. It's been days... it's been days.. it's been days...

maybe, its just me and my expectations.

"Hindi lahat ng nadating eh para sayo, minsan, nadaan lang talaga sila."
-joni
***

Hear mass at SM Bacoor, i super love the priest's homily, it really made a lot of sense. And i wanna share it to all of you:

Scarecrow without brain, tin man without heart and Lion the coward. There are three things that a man needs:
1. sense and direction
2. love and to be loved
3. security

Is'nt it so true?

***

I still i am not okay, every time i visit his profile, can't help but to feel sad knowing na ganun din pala yung treatment niya sa iba. Maybe, it's just me and my expectations. I just need to wake up. But every time he did something or say something, all my defenses crushed down. Just like now. He liked my post: "pray.hope and dont worry". Naiiyak na naman ako.

hoy.

He texted me a quote again. I know, it's just another GM. I didn't reply though, wala din naman akong irereply sa quote. I just missed the 'hoy'. I wish it comes back.

tree taramind day 2.

***

Good thing, it's high tide na, finally saw the beauty of the beach of Quezon. Went to an island named "Borawan" it's mala-boracay daw and palawan, but honestly, it isnt. The sand is very rocky and it's not fine at all. Gees. Anyway, Camwhored lang the whole day, i don't go swimming eh, the water is so d*mn cold. After the borawan trip and ofcourse, the camwhoring, twin and i bummed at the beach and talked about how unfair guy is, how dumb and insensitive they are. *sorry* But that conversation makes me feel better, and i realized a lot of things. Thanks to you, twin. :)
Luckily, it took us just 4-hr travel way back home and yes, we are safe and sound. Spent the entire trip sleeping.

***

He texted me a quote for the first time. Nanibago lang ako at nagulat kasi nagparamdam siya, that it nearly made me cry. I commented on his profile photo, then he replied back naman. Texted him that night but it didn't last long. Whenever i remember us way back, my heart literally breaks. I missed it. :|

tree taramind day 1.

***

We (Rachel, Marlon, Belle, Ann and Ann's officemates) spent Holy Thursday in Tamarind Tree Resort in Quezon which i do not recommend because of their Martial Law Accommodation and pretty bad service. Anyway, we came late because of the heavy traffic which took us 6-hr travel. The trip really took all of my energy. But spending time with friends is really a fresh of breath air especially in times like this. In times, that love really upsets me. Even if im miles away, i just really can't stop thinking about him, it's been 3 days since we last talked. Kakapanibago lang, it was all so sudden. One day, we're okay, then the next, we don't talk to each other anymore. atleast, he had given me warning- the "cold treatment".

***

Spent the rest of the day at the beach, it was so peaceful and quiet. Then, we had night swimming. The water never fails to make me feel better. After that, we had silent dinner, literally. Nakakabingi ang katahimikan, wala kasi talagang nagsasalita e. After the not-so-good dinner, we spent our time at the cabin, kulitan lang. Then, decided na mag-inuman (sila) i don't wanna drink tonight, improper din kasi, dahil holyweek. Okay, here goes the sudden sadness again. It always creeps me off, i miss him so much and i really really can't stop thinking about him that it made me cry. I wanna stop the drama sh*t but as long as he's here, in my head, i cant.