Unhappy.

I woke up early. Weird yung feeling kasi, first time ko nakasama yung team na matulog. Kakaiba lang yung feeling. Awkward na hindi ko ma-define. Basta, it was just weird. Okay, first time ko magsleep over sa hotel. loser ba? anyway, maraming first today. Sleepover sa hotel, first assigned task during the meeting, turn-overs, church works, paglagay ng corsage sa entourage, and im getting it little by little. One step at a time, but yes, im now learning.

***

Tiring. This wedding day is tiring, because we needed to re-set-up because of heavy rain in the lounge. And so, we helped set it all up. Basta, unexplainable din yung pagod, but after all of it all, i dont know, i felt sad again, not tired. Although, niloloko nila ako and all, i felt i was just faking my smiles and laughs. I felt unhappy, unhappy sa lahat ng bagay, yun pa naman yung ayoko maramdaman, because i always wanted to think i'm blessed and ive got other things- more important things. But that's not the way it is today, yes, i got work, friends, family but i still feel incomplete, i felt something is missing and lacking. I felt there's a small hole in my chest.
Am i happy? I really honestly believe that I'm not.

***

Naalala ko tuloy yung sabi niya sakin before he broke up with me, na ayaw niya na magkakasakitan kami in the long run. Unfair lang kasi, short run o long run, mas masakit ang mawala siya. mas doble ang sakit. para akong nahulog sa bangin at tinamaan ng shot gun.

let me stay, at the corner of your heart.

"There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart."
-Corner of your heart; Ingrid Michaelson

I was thinking a lot, a lot of things today, i felt i was wandering all the time, anytime, everytime.
I think if i could survive my work, the stress, the pressure and of their expectations, of my own expectations. I if my work would really help me heal, would help me divert my attention, would ease the loneliness i feel each time he comes in my mind. I hope i could save money and have my own car, get the life i've been dreaming to have. I hope i could be with my friends during my free time and share things about my job. I imagine myself being different, of me, being strong and not the same old joni who cries all the time. I wonder if i will ever meet the man i've been dreaming of in one of the events i'll be attending in the future. I think of him coming back, I see myself travelling. I imagine myself being successful. i wonder if ill be happy or i just WANTED to be happy. sorry for being so random. It's just the way my mind works, random.

***

2nd day at work. Nice. So, i went to Parque Espana again so early for the call time. good thing, friends na kami ng mga crew dun, atleast, may kausap na ako. yey. Anyway, work's fine. As usual, my feet hurts like mad. Been a runner, usherette, did some turn-overs. It looks pretty easy, but it isnt. Nakakapagod din talaga. but when i remember how tough i am during my Baby Angelo days, wala. nothing compares yung hirap ko dun. After the wedding, Mam Ruth, the Bride that wedding day has been so nice to me, she thanked me, while saying goodbye and thank you's, after all the hard work, that's what really keeps me going. The appreciation of the people whom you bring goodness to. isn't it? Goodness. It makes everyone's heart grow.

***

I heard "Fix you" again during the AVP, and i felt he had remembered me, that song, he dedicated that to me, and everytime i heard that song played unexpectedly, i really felt he was thinking of me. You know what, the sad thing about being left behind, is that i have always keep my hopes on high eventhough, it's brutally painful that I know, that 80% he wont be coming back, i still strive my hardest to hope that he'd still and will come back for the save, he will come back to the place where he left of because i know, somewhere, in the corner of his heart, there's still a place of me inside, even in the corner of his heart.

Fix me, again.

"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
-Fix you; Coldplay

My very sudden Interview turned out my first day job. Cool, eh? i don't wanna spill further details about it, im just pure lucky. really really lucky. Hmm, i just wanna share some things today, while waiting for my interview, i heard "fix you" by cold play which is instrumental, argh. that song is totally heartfelt and i felt like really crying. And yes, that song means so much to me. I felt i hear him singing that song, which is yes, just my pure imagination.

***

The location of my first ever working experience is at Fernbrooke Gardens, Portofino. Heard it right, Portofino. Of all the places, lalo ata ako binibiro ng tadhana. which is pissing me to death. really. My first day at work in PORTOFINO. Great. Everything flashed back, my happiest day with him at Portofino, his promises, his hug, his smile, his hand in mine. Everything now turned into ashes and gray.

***

I couldn't get him out of my system, i felt i was really totally broken when he left.
And although, i know i should better fix myself up and move on..
but not today, definitely not today.

i cant bring it back.

"Remember when i was dead? Before i went in that water, everything was so complicated and hard. And then, you pulled me out of the water, and i came back to life. For a moment, everything was so clear, as if the water had washed everything clean."
- Meredith Grey; Greys Anatomy

I texted him that quote last night, said that quotes was meant for him. I was really hoping he would reply, and yes he did-again. I kept on reading his text over and over again. I'm a bit disappointed. No, im really really disappointed, although i know, i don't have the right to. I felt sad, more than sad. down, more than down. After that, i read his text messages again, yes i made a promise, but i'm not good at keeping one- just this one.

***

Today, i'm so exhausted. I'm the one assigned in shop, kuya has a work, mom's at her graduation. I did all the work, and i hate it. My head aches all the time. But it's kinda' worth it because id able to pass 100+ resume's, yes, im that- DESPERATE.

***

I made up my mind, i will finish my gift, so i can give it to him as soon as possible. Sa totoo lang, hindi ako nageexpect ng anything. I just wanted to give him that gift. First time kong mageeffort ng ganun, so sana, kahit pano, maappreciate niya. I'll try my best not to over-do it.

***

I'm freakin' sad, all his comments in Friendster are gone. as in, ALL GONE. I wasnt able to copy it and save. argh. Pero wala na ako magagawa dun, i cant bring it back, just as i know, he will never come back.

it flows like it doesnt want to stop.

"If you can say that you don't love me
If you can look me in the eye
and say that you don't love me
I could say goodbye
If you can tell me you won't miss me
And sound convincing when you say
You won't miss me
I could walk away."
-The Absence of your company; Kim Richey

***

Today, I read his past messages on my special notebook, although i tried not to cry, i did. It was a solid cry, and it flows like it doesn't want to stop. I miss him. I miss his words, his sweetness, his thoughtfulness, his promises. I miss him, i just really really do. I keep my notebook on the cabinet, and i'll try not to read it now,or tomorrow, or the next day. But i'm such a bad liar.

***

That quote, up there, is from a song i'm currently addicted to, which is from Grey's Anatomy Season 4. Hell, it was exactly how i feel, as if i was the one who wrote it. Anyway, Ive had a lot of pains today- physically. I suffered again from my scoliosis attack early morning, good thing mom massage my back to ease the pain which took me an hour to endure. This noon, my breast hurts like mad. I dont know why. It just, hurts.

Two Things.

There are two things running in my head today:


1. He loves me that's why he chose to leave me.

2. He finds someone new and falls out of love.


Okay, i know, i should b OVER that thought weeks back but i just cant help but think and think and think. yes, im thinking too much everyday and it definitely sucks- bigtime. I know, im such a loser for being so pathetic, hell pathetic. But i just can't seem to weigh that two thoughts in my head, which one's true and which is false. So, ill try to elucidate some things why these thoughts keep coming back like lost souls haunting me.


1. He loves me that's why he chose to leave me.

Firstly, i had felt that he had loved me. I'm not assuming and all, but i felt the sincerity of his heart. I maybe wrong or i maybe right, but I'm still betting on my cards that yes, he had loved me. Before the break-up, we had our misunderstandings about my past, of not trusting and believing, of me being afraid. I promised to him that i wouldn't be, that I'll fight hard not to be afraid anymore but i fail him-again. I didn't trust him, i didn't believe in him, i didn't call him, i didn't text him, i didn't ask for the truth, i didn't do anything and he thought that i left him hanging. Yes, i know i was wrong for doing nothing. I was wrong for being so paranoid and yes, for not asking before assuming. I was wrong and he was indeed right that in order for one relationship to grow, one should trust and believe in each other but I was such a coward. I've been a coward.
In my mind, i wanted to think that yes, maybe he loves me that's why he wanted me to grow and not be the same old 'me' whose always haunted by her past, as he says.He wanted me to learn how to keep promises and able to fulfill it. And finally, he loves me that's why he wanted me to learn how to trust and believe without reservations because that's just how love works.

2. He finds someone new and falls out of love.

Before the break-up, he was just so cold that i can't feel him. He was cold as if I'm nobody. He was cold and it's killing me. I tried to reach out by simply being the same me who wants to be her sunshine, all the time of everyday. But it's harder than i thought. I pretended that I'm okay, really okay, but I'm not, because he is different. I felt pushed away and not needed. And then, an issue came that totally broke my heart, and i don't know where the hell i am anymore. As many have said, he's the type of guy whose 'babaero' and all, because he got looks plus the car and the money. She can dig out all the girls she wants because his sweetness and thoughtfulness is really to die for. Maybe, he does find another and he falls out of love with me. Maybe, he grew tired of all the mushy-gushy things we shared. But isn't that fast? He promised me that he'll do everything to keep me and he'd always stay as infinitely as possible but he doesn't. I thought, he would give us another chance, one last chance cause if he loves me, really does, he wouldn't give up on me that fast. Isn't it? that's the least thing he would probably thought and do. I thought he would fight hard for us to work this out, but ironically, he didn't and he left me that easily.

Okay. That's it. I poured my two thoughts today, and it's a relief. It's a mixture of good and bad feeling. I hate myself for letting those thoughts keep running back because i know,
i wouldn't be able to answer which weigh heavier. Although, i don't have the answer, and I'm not the one whose capable to answer it, I'm pathetic, brutally pathetic for still trying to think about it over and over again.

What a day.

Im so exhausted today. i felt i was battered. I had two interviews today, one from ortigas which is Discovery Suites, I was with zhiee. thank goodness. The interview went okay, i dont feel any pressure, and i love my soon-to-be boss. *Argh, isnt it obvious that i wanted to work with her?* She's so nice, bubbly and i wanted pretty badly to work with the team. Events. OMG. My dream job. After the interview, went to Podium (I keep on looking at the Burgoos which is really visible to where i am standing. Yes, I remember that memory.) , Saint Francis Square, Mega mall and Starmall. Cool, eh? Meet up with yakisova and honey which is near honey's condo. Thank goodness again. After the meet-up, im all alone and on my way to my next destnation. Im not really good at directions, im always lost. It's actually my secret talent. I rode a bus, a cab and walked like im walking for ages. ANG LAYO! but luckily, i found the place and unluckily, i lost my 4 resume's, and so, i had to produce one, looked for a near computer shop while raining so bad, and i ended up really soaked. Before the interview, all the receptionist/HR or whatsoever they are called, keep on looking at me. I dont know why the hell are they looking at me that way. Is it a good thing or bad thing? But whatever it is. It makes me pissed. After the interview which lasted 15 minutes or so, mas matagal pa yung byahe ko sa interview ko. nakakainis. hehe. Walked again like i've been walking for ages. Im so exhausted and i wanted , really wanted to STOP walking. I wanna go home, and im starving to death. But i survived. Rode MRT Kamuning to Taft, then rode a bus, good thing, WALANG TRAFFIC. Super naki-ayon ang traffic sakin. whew.

ONE WORD FOR THE DAY: WHAT A DAY!

***

"When you love someone, thinking about them is just like breathing. You do it without thinking, and you do it all the time."

- Today, i tried not to think about him- and failed. especially, when i saw the Podium. Our last dinner date together. And yes, It was hard because most of the time, memories of what we used to do, places we went, tend to break me. really BREAK me and there's nothing I can do about it. Now, im starting to lose all my hope's. I felt he was now far away, far more than ever. Although, i wanted to fly to where he was, there is still no guarantee he would be coming back. As the day goes by, i know, im slowing losing... really losing.

i hope, that id still be able to HOPE just a little bit more.

" If it doesn't feel right, wait until it does... And if its too late by then,
it means it was never meant to be..."

***

Its been 8 days now since we broke up, and 4 days since we last talked on the phone. That last call, made me clung into hope, that there's a possibility of him, coming back. I felt he was really totally concern. I felt he still love me. Okay, I'm assuming again. We talked of what happened that night: the snatcher thing. we also both mentioned some of the things we usually said when we're still together: 'Like whoa', 'Bulilit song', and my favorite 'Knock, Knock' and more. For a while, I felt he had forgotten that were over. I said i miss him and although i felt he was a little bit hesitant to say that he missed me, im glad, that he still did. I tasted HOPE.
The day after that, I texted him, Hindi ako makatiis, I said i miss him a lot, and that i really really do. Thank him for the concern, and that, he doesn't have to reply, but yeah, he still did.
Although, i should be happy, ironically, it makes me sad.

***

It's been 8 days, and i know, i should stop counting, because we're OVER. ( Joni, please, bear that in mind.) But hell, i wanted to kick myself and do something for him to come back, but i know, im not that type of girl who literally beg. Although i stop crying, i felt i was still crying inside. I have said that i should be strong and tough, but i cant feel myself. I feel i was numb again. I need a save. but unluckily, i lost my hero, my very own Spiderman.
Its been 8 days now, im still counting and clinging. i hope, that id still be able to HOPE just a little bit more.

***

Thesis mode. Im re-writing some parts of our thesis, cant find the final draft. Wtf. And although its not that hard to edit, i'm still not on the mood to do it. But hey, im almost done. Wtf.
Meet-up with cep and papa mon at Walter Dasma. kwento kwento. then, i instructed her about the thesis which i edited earlier. Siya magtatapos. whew. After that, went to SM Bacoor, bought 2 new corporate attire which ill be using tomorrow for my 2 job interviews. Wish me luck. *cross fingers* badly, need a WORK.

Sooner, not later.

"i have said the words "i love you" so many times. its when i thought i found someone really special in my life. but i realized something just now. its very very very hard to say "i love you" to someone special when you really really really mean it. it feels like those words are not enough or even close to what im really feeling. she makes me feel things i could not even explain. its not about who i am to her, but who she is for me. not about what i can get from her, but what i can give to her. i feel like crying when she is sad, im at my happiest when she is. i feel like i am connected to her. everything just seems to be better when i am with her. i would exchange a lifetime for a day with her. she has a heart bigger than the universe. her smile can calm the wildest storms. her words could melt any heart in an instant. every moment with her is just like heaven, no, better. i thought that someone like her only exists in movies, in books. i was wrong. shes real. shes in the same world here with me, making my life just like a fairytale. in the short period of time that ive known her, she made me feel things that i know i wouldnt feel with anyone else even in the longest time. she is one of a kind. in my life, and for me... she is definitely "someone special". - Emman Praxedes; April 27, 2009

***

Damn. Finally, i got it. Thought i wasn't gonna find this ever again. Hinanap ko na sa e-mail, sa Friendster bulletin which he had posted months back, kahit alam kong hindi ko na makikita because he had deleted his account. Argh. MUNTIK NA AKONG MAIYAK KASI AKALA KO, HINDI KO NA MABABASA ULIT. Now, im relieved, and im happy. Okay, so, he had written this article for me, and this is the sweetest thing ever a guy had ever done for me. After I read this months back, it does makes my heart swept away, and still is. I miss him. I wish he'd come back. Sooner, not later. :(

***

And oh, got a text message from the Ms. Cheche from Orange place, ill be reporting for my 2nd interview. Geez. Hopefully, i pass. I badly need a work, as in B-A-D-L-Y.

Everyday.

When I was a kid, I remember that I was close to my dad. I used to run to him whenever my mom's mad at me. Although, I was never that spoiled to him unlike my older sister, and my brother, I know he had always been there for me. .But as the years passed, the distance just grows.
I don't know why. It is something that I cant explain, why it happened and what went wrong.
And possibly, that explains the reason why, I long for a man in my life. To my Daddy, Happy Father's Day. Although things have changed long long ago, and i may not run to you anymore when I'm sad, lonely and bruised, I know, you still love me and accepted my short comings.. and i want you to know, that I really miss you... and i long for you everyday.

***

Hindi ako nakatiis, I texted him last night, and expectedly/unexpectedly (a mix of both), he does replied. I wont spill what he said, but it seems, he's just being a friend. Darn, a girlfriend turned to a friend. That's the s*ckiest thing of now being the ex-girlfriend. And although, it pains me that fact, I have no choice but to accept. I replied back, Thank him with a sad face :c
And now, im hurting again. I miss him a lot. it will take me lots of time to get over his smile, his scent, his laugh, his embrace, im missing EVERYTHING everyday.

***

My left arm freakin' hurts. Parang may bali, or meron nga talaga. Possibly, it is because of the snatcher who forcefully snatched my bag last friday. Siguro, na-pwersa yung arms ko, kasi i tried, badly tried na hilahin pabalik, and now, goodluck to my left arm: maga at sobrang nanghihina.

Eight hours in Cyberworld.

I badly lack sleep and i supposed to be resting by now. But i was doomed here, in shop. Got no choice. Wtf. Im starving- nalipasan na naman ako ng madaming gutom. I really wanted to go home. *sigh*

Stuff's I did today in the cyber world:

1. Job hunt again- Online. I felt like giving up. Losing all the patience. Darn. ( Patience, joni, patience.)

2. Fixed my blog- yeah, this one. And im starting to love it.
3. Upload the last night's pictures- in multiply, facebook and friendster.
4. Made a private plurk- Okay, i totally want to keep my plurk private. I dumped the old one.
5. Update my social networks: Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, Plurk.- Over again.

***

Hmm. I miss him a lot. Im wishing, brutally wishing he'd call me, or text me, or even think of me. kahit saglit lang. darn. Im starting all over. Building walls and building up my defenses. Hell, why is this suppose to be this hard?

the best boyfriends.

Okay, my dream came true. I will be with my best friend and best boy friends again. Its been ages since I last saw them and bond with them. So Imagine how excited I was today. Yes, Brutally excited.

I was caught in traffic. Good thing, it wasn't that bad. Meet up with them at 711 Pag-Asa. Went to Arvin's place, then to Errol's. Kenneth also joined the fun. Drunk and drunk. Laugh and Laugh. Whenever im with them, wala talagang dull moments. I felt I was in HS again. Although, there are some changes, but the fun and happiness when were all together is there. Sayang, wala si munchkin and cookie. I missed their presence a lot. But over all, sobrang BITIN yung bonding. Went home early. *sad*

When we were about to go home, me, lyra and allan, a snatcher who was on my left side forcely snatched my bag and failed. Gawd, I screamed. I was really shocked and I dont know what the hell had happened. Fear came over me. I called Kuya Randee, to be my shock absorber. whew, thank god, i felt better afterwards, but im still shivering. After awhile, Emman called. OMG. Guess, he still cared. Dang, I miss him a whole lot. WTF. Now, I feel even more BETTER. I wish everything will be back the way it used to be. I felt he had forgiven me-or not. I felt like crying, really crying. Im all mixed up. Sobrang miss ko na siya, and i let myself spill it out. And although, he had said, he missed me too, i can still feel the coldness in his voice. that call, made all my defenses came crumbling down. Okay, I'll be starting over. Oh boy.

Oh wait, here's some pics during the night:

It ends as amazingly as it began.

I dont know what to say. I dont know how to write again. This is what my thoughts say, but not my hearts say. I know i should scream out, bleed and cry right this very moment. But i will not. Not anymore. Not that it would make me weak, but because I know, it is only through writing that I get all the comfort i need, especially when im in pain. And so, here it is, bare with me, bare with my soul who temporary dies and my heart that screams, i am bleeding.

I know, and i promise, that this will be the last time i will be writing about him. because i know, i shouldnt be. But because just like from the past, writing heals me. heals every inch of the heart throbbing and aching, and after pouring my heart out of it, I am healed-or not. It is thru writing that i can get thru someone’s heart, I know, I did it once to him- I did get thru to his heart. He once said, that i shouldnt stop writing. And so, i stared down on a piece of paper, and blood starts dripping. I learned to write again, not because he wants me to, but because that someone believed in me. And so, I continue believing.

I have known him for the shortest period of time, yet he had managed to infiltrate my life in the most surprisingly, exceptional and special way. He had saved me and healed me and it’s beautiful. Its amazing how he had done that, and for whatever reason, although he left me after the save, I am still thankful that he did saved me.

With him, I felt like home. I felt cared, secured and loved. He’d become my heaven, or more than that. He is everything I never knew and always wanted and needed. There are millions of reasons why for a little while, he had become the source of my happiness, he had become my air in which I can freely breathe and damn- I was really flying and I know, that is something that I can’t easily get enough. Every moments spend with him was euphoric. And just when I was gonna burst from extreme bliss, it was over. It was always the sudden stop that hurts. But yes, I would still trade anything and everything else, just to have that kind of happiness again. Over and over again.

I have now erased all the things I had listed in the piece of paper, in the piece of my mind of our commons and differences which I have listed before we started dating. It was then, I believed that we are meant to be. Besides that we have the same birthday, we both loved/liked the same things, same perspective, same dreams. We both planned. And now, unplanned of what lies ahead. I’m left with those false dreams and promises. I should’ve believed, but I believed anyway. When you love someone, it was like being a kid again; you tend to be innocent and gullible again. Whatever that person says, you just simply believe. Even if you know, he may hurt you, trick you or leave you crying in the dark in the end.

I can’t promise if I’d still continue to hope, because somewhere in the process of moving forward, one should not hope for the come back, because it is basically the reason why we still cling. Been there, done that, and I should learn. But now, just now, I realized that no matter how much we deny to ourselves that we would not hope, we still would one way or another. I would hope that by the time he comes back, everything would be magical again, it pains me knowing that now, I’m letting it all go… I’m letting him go even though, I wanted badly not for him to go; yet, I know, I can’t make him stay either.

Exactly 59 days before our supposed to be monthsary, he does finally leave me. He may have fell out of love, or he may got someone better, or maybe the past really does come back, or I may believe his reason that I didn’t trust and believe him enough. For whatever reason it is, it felt like hell knowing he had gave me up that fast. I thought, he will fight for me, fight for us. and that no matter I made him feel bad, he would still embrace me pull me back to into his arms, right where I used to belong. But sadly, he never did. I have all the right to be mad and all the right to beg. But I never did. Instead, I let him go with my arms wide open. Suffered in silence and cry out all the tears I could have shed for him, still leaving.

He leave my life today, right now and I don’t even know what to say or feel. I don’t even know what will tomorrow brings, and how would I go through the night without his goodnight. I feel my heart sank; I still want to tell him a lot of things-big or small things. I wanted to hug him for more cold days, tell many stories about the past and the future, I still wanted to hold his hand as long as infinitely as possible, I still wanted to kiss him until he takes my breath away and we’d both laugh together. I still wanted to be the perfect girl whom he can be proudly introduce to his mother, I still wanted to go visit many places as he had promised. I still wanted to stay up late nights and talk until we ran out of things to say. I still wanted to wake up more mornings with him by my side, I still wanted to be in his passenger seat while he both sang his favorite song and hold my hand while driving. I still wanted to crank more jokes just to hear him laugh again. And I wanted to tell him how I’d brutally miss everything. It really pains me knowing the fact that it will be now a memory, a slow and fading memory.

He may believed that, I don’t trust him enough, I don’t have faith in him enough but, I know, deeply know, in my heart of hearts, I had loved him enough. I know, I’m such a freaking hopeless romantic who believes in saving and being saved. But hey, he had saved me. I was not that hopeless. And If ever, I had given a chance to change anything between us, whether it is just a fleetingly moment, I wouldn’t. No matter what, He will always be that special someone, who had became my star, my waves and my astonishing magic.

I shallow hard, shut my eyes, and hear my heart silently weeping. I’ve got nothing to regret, Ironically, I’m still grateful. He had changed me and inspires to believe that I have a big heart- as big as the universe. I would always remember that day when he said that to me, because that is the reason why I believed that he had loved me. I am thankful that even the shortest period of time, in a snap minutes and nanoseconds, I still captured his heart through our ‘magic’. Whatever cheesy it may be, it’s me, it’s him, It’s us that knows, genuinely know, what we had is something magical. And yes, it’s unforgettable. Pretty much how exciting and moving magic can be, it always ends as amazingly as it began.

----------------------------------------

Okay, Now, im crying. Im really sad that he'll never be able to read this. I hope he will someday. But as of now, Im slowly getting by. People always leave, but hopefully, someday, he will come back.