Maryse and I.

Went to San Beda to meet-up with Maryse and Matt. I was really shocked how far San Beda really is, napagod talaga ako. but anyway, had fun naman sa bonding namin although it was quite short.
When i was in the SB, I started to miss the times when i was studying, okay, im being nostalgic again. No, seriously, i really missed it. Wala ng kailangang explanation dun. Anyway, when everyone's having fun and roaming around the campus, Maryse and I stayed lang malapit sa church ng San Beda, it was like a park, i think that's the most beautiful part in San Beda's Campus. We talked for about an hour i think, it's sort of a heart-to heart, what can i say? she's just humble and beautiful as her heart is, and im looking forward to more bondings with her, soon. love you maryse. :-*

for about 3 hours.

had a tiring debut event in Gazebo. It's my first time to handle debut- not easy. It took a lot of time, unlike weddings. But i must say that the debutante and her family is really nice. :)
After the event, Mam Cathy treat us in Ignazia Bar, QC for a drink and chill. More kwentuhan's lang. Sleep-over in Chona's crib, we talked for about 3 hours. Cool, no? She's such a good listener, love her for that. Love you babe. :-*

double interview.

went to Thomsons Reuters for the test and interview in Mckinley Hills, the fort. Got lost and ending up getting taxi because im late. Got pissed because the test haven't started pa naman pala. Oh well, to cut the story short, i failed. I didnt feel bad about it, and so i'm looking forward to my next interview in Makati, got a taxi again, stayed in Greenbelt 1, ate lunch in jollibee. Tictoctictoc. Okay, went to Circuit Events Magazine for an interview, it went smoothly, and im currently excited for the job, it's an events and magazine in one. how cool is that? Im crossing my fingers that i passed, or else, i'll be realy really sad.

***

After the 2 Interviews, i went to SM Megamall to meet-up with Kheshi, stayed in foodcourt, waited for his dl, then decided to go to the Ortigas Office. Honestly, after being away for such a long time, i missed everyone. I miss each and everyone of them from the bottom of my heart, and i especially miss the guy who broked my heart, even if he's not there. Anyway, had fun. They have this 'yoga' thing that could actually make you hallucinate for a minute, what the-- it was crazy. But we laugh our hearts out. yes, i totally missed them. A LOT actually.

work load.

I did a lot of work because i'm really supposed to finish this all today, will use my offset tomorrow. I printed all the remaining menu cards, make a raffle stabs and cut it and lastly, made 3 layouts in phtoshop and emailed it to Mam Leah, I ended up leaving the office by 8pm. I came to Metropoint Mall by 8:30, just in time to find a business attire for my interview tomorrow. Good thing, i got one before the mall closes. A really job well done, Joni. *hands down* lol.

I do not hate being replaced, i hate being forgotten.

The worst feeling in the world- being replaced. It was one of the most heartbreaking thought. As the cliche goes, 'people come and people go' Although yes, people come back, but also, as they come back, they're position in one's heart could also be replaced. That's how i feel today. It's not actually, romantically, but its more of a work issue. I do not hate being replaced, i hate being forgotten. But anyway, who would actually love being forgotten? No one. Embracing these thoughts makes me sick and sad all at the same time.

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves."
~Anatole France

This day speak of how i'm close to leaving, and in time changing..and im getting sad. Whenever i look at my officemate Krinel very busy, alam kong hindi niya nafi-feel how sad i am na hindi ko na siya makakasama. *sigh* I did my usual office works- follow-ups, fone calls and did the masterlist. In time, siguro mamimiss ko to, im sure of that. But right now, i just have to accept day by day that yes, i'll be leaving.

passing.

I used my offset for my job interview in Ortigas, its an events and marketing firm, Greenlights. I was shocked kasi, may HR exam. Oh god, im so not prepared for this. Talagang pinagpawisan talaga ko, tapos, Mam Leah's calling me up asking few questions re: meeting at the unilab and akatek, so medyo na-lost ako because i was panicking. After the exam, may supposed interview pa, kaya lang, hindi ko na tinuloy because im needed at the office. *sigh* Anyway, Mam Leah came with the new staff, ayun, medyo napagalitan nga ako kasi wrong timing daw yung pag-offset ko today. *sad* but i felt sadder kasi, im now embracing the thought that i'll be leaving, yung passing of task to the new assistant, Monica. What's hard siguro is yung ipa-pass ko na yung things that i've learn to love and adapt. Masakit rin pala yun.

home.

Thank god im home. :)

change always scares the hell out of me.

Did a lot of task at the office today, met the ojt: Ione, which became later my friend kasi super 'loka-loka' din like me ^^. After work, meet-up with Kim, which surprised me na mag-me-meet-up kami, he introduced me to his friends, weird. just so weird, pero there's this 'kilig' factor i felt nung hinatid niya ako ulit sa SFG. I had a great time with him even if its just a short period of time.

***

I was speechless when my 2 boss said that my contract will end by February 15, pero i know in my heart, that this will happen... siguro, hindi lang ako naging prepared that it'll come soon. They explain the why's, pero hindi naman kasi ako yung taong matanong, pero thankful pa din ako that they get to explain everything. Sinabi din nila yung mga flaws ko, which is okay lang kasi, i get to have a better view of it and in some ways, mas mababago ko in the future. Of course, i cried. I dunno the reason why, or what are the things that broke my heart, pero i agree with Mam Leah that she can see that i am afraid of changes. Siguro din, naiyak ako when they told me that, they hope that i could get a job na hindi ako matatakot magkamali, kasi ang totoo, i kept wishing for the same thing. I can't feel any hard feelings, kasi i know that they also want the best for me, that they knew me as a good person. Ang weird, kasi as i get to hear them, nagfa-flashback yung mga sinabi ni Mam Teena sakin before na: i have a good heart, pero minsan, hindi lang dapat puro 'bait', i should know my skills and i should know what my passion is. Right now, honestly, i dont know what to do after this, hindi ko alam kung pano ako magsta-start all over. But i wish, i badly wish that i get the courage to get all my CONFIDENCE back, kasi feeling ko, it's all gone.
On my way home to Cavite, i can't stop crying even sa bus...till i fall asleep. Because i know, after the 15th, everything will change, and yes, change always scares the hell out of me.

time.

I was drained. Did a lot of office works today but everything went smoothly as we ended the day kasi, i get to bond with the 3 ojt's, takutan kami sa elevator ng SFG. :D

***

Anyway, not so unusual ride on my way home because i bump with my college schoolmate Rachelle of COM43 on MRT, we just talk about our work and the environment of the job. Ang weird kasi dati, during the college days, mostly ang pinaguusapan yung professor or yung subject lang, pero ngayon, andami ng area which is too hard to explain, basta, ang weird lang ng feeling... and im starting to miss my old self, my old lifestyle, my college buddies. Anyway, naghiwalay kami ni Rachelle at the last station of MRT, Taft Station. Exchanged our numbers and Bid our goodbyes. During the jeep ride, I GM'd the BOHGITA, TOUCHY and BB, told them how i missed them. Im being so nostalgic again. But honestly, I felt i changed. Kung dati, ako yung laging may time, ngayon wala na, even for myself.

met the OJT's.

ABP Ocular again, now with Sir Jamie to discussed important matters. Anyway, that's not all that, before the ABP meeting, i felt bad because our meet-up messed up and time got wasted. My bad, i know, and i really really felt bad about it, pero kasi, hindi ko din naman kasalanan na all one-way sa ermita. :'s

***

Did a lot of work today at the office, busy busy much. But glad that finally, met the OJT's. Anyway, sana we get to bond, andami pala nila. :D

physically tired.

Part-time again with Events Embassy. Same Duty: Assist the bride. Okay, even though the Bride's kinda demanding, she's really really nice. Everything went okay. During the reception, I just stayed at the sound booth to assist, other than that, wala na. So, nakapag-rest naman ako. *sigh*

***

After the wedding, went to Ortigas to fetch my partner sa Strata. Went to Tomas Morato to party at MGM, even though im brutally tired, had a blast dancing and laughing with my new friends! Literally, wala talaga akong pahinga. POWER. :D

LSGH audition.

Occular in Ermita, Manila for the ABP vans, alone. I checked five vans, talked with Mam Fely for the costing. Hopefully, everything went well.
***
Went to LSGH to help Sir Jamie for the upcoming play auditions. T'was fun and really had a great time! Picture moments with Garl at LSGH. We had a picture with Direc. Fritz Infante. Wow. :D

i was not happy anymore.

Its my first time na sobrang pinagalitan ni Mam Leah, of course, it makes me really down and sad. She said na i was not thinking and the rest, hindi ko na naintindihan because my mind suddenly becomes hazy. Siguro nga, i was not thinking and i was just plain doing my job. And my mind has an answer: i was not happy anymore.

***

After work, went to ortigas for the training, saw him during the 'MAM' (Meeting after Meeting),
todo iwas ako ng tingin. *sob*. It gets so hard each time.

the pressure is ON.

The pressure is ON. Made a design for the Ferlin Invitation, called up the restaurants for the set menu's and so on and so on. ha-ha.

wedding at caluruega.

part-time with the Events Embassy Team again in Caluruega, Tagaytay. I missed them! Duty: Assist the Bride. *oh gees*. It's my first time to assist the bride, at first, i was really totally blank on what im gonna do, haven't tried being on the bride eh, but later, i enjoyed naman since the bride is very sweet and kind. It was tiring though, since i assist her- everytime. Anyway, it was such an experience. Had fun kahit na konti lang yung pictures ko during the event. *tsk.tsk* Anyway, the photographer during the event was nice, they even teach me how to use the lights and exposure and they even let me took shoots pa nga during the last part of the program...and that moment, my burning passion in photography came in. I want a DSLR soon! :D

***
PS:

Happy Birthday to my Dad. Sorry, im away. :c

i wish i could read his mind.

I saw him looking at me when i came at the MCDO Strata which later, partner proved that he was really staring. Of course, it made me happy. The sad thing was, he never did anything. He never texted me, spoke to me, he didn't even make a move to explain what went wrong. Of course i knew what's wrong, but he didn't even bother asking me about it. I dont know if he's just too coward or insensitive or rather both. But i HATE him for- that. I wish i could read his mind, so that i could have an idea on whats running through his head when he looks at me. But sadly, i can't do that.

***

Went to Guillys Island, Tomas Morato to party... and eventhough the musics loud and everyone's busy dancing, drinking and mingling, i wish to just go back to Strata to see him again.

near yet so far.

After office, went to Ortigas for the Loaded Meeting. Sad. Really really sad that things between us changed so fast. Oh, sorry. There was never an "US". *sigh* It's the cliche 'near yet so far' that is totally brutally killing me.

Alone.

Im back in the office after such a long holiday vacation, did a lot of work and thinking today. *sigh* Anyways, even tough Mam Leah's on the other room, i really felt alone.

inside my head.

"I wanted to get inside your head, so i can see how you feel about me, its all i wonder about lately. All i want to know is what you see."
- nostalgicbliss

here's what inside my head. I wanted to know what's in yours. :(
and oh, i love this one too:

"If you're good to me, I'll love you fiercely, take care of you, be there for you, believe in you, be your cheerleader, your friend, and one of the better people that you'll ever meet in life. The way I see it, people have a choice when it comes to which me they get. You want to play nice, I'll play nice. You want to trip? I'll trip!" :(

goodbye, 2009.

Graduation. The best yet one of the saddest part of 2009 was closing the chapter of my college life. La Salle Dasma has been always a second home and knowing the fact that i need to go and expand my horizons has been scary as hell. School has shaped and mold me to be the person i am now, and to that, i am more grateful than regretful to the times i stumble and fail during my college years. College Life has been a turning point of finding my weakness and strength, sadness and happiness, and of my greatest desires and dreams. It has been a teacher of valuing time, sacrifice, patience, love and friendship. I will always remember my worst and best years- Major Productions, undying Thesis revisions, reporting, minor and major defense, lack of sleep, depression, low grades, but amidst all of that, i will always look back the times of brainstorming and bonding at the JFH grounds, teamwork in every production, inspiring professors, CAD, my college love, my schoolmates, my SOLID BLOCK, and the dedication to my craft. I will always remember my second home and all the lessons i've learned along the way.

Having our New HOME. Again and again, we moved. But hopefully, this will be the last and final home we live in to. And oh, i just love my room, because it's always summer-y.

Final Goodbye, College Love. I take the courage to give a final letter which i put all my heart into to this one special guy. I spill out all the unsaid things i should've said long time ago, but really to damn scared to say, i know i shouldn't, not in time that he had moved on. But i know myself, i dont like regrets, and even after its too damn late, i dont regret giving it to him because i get all the answers i needed to hear. Although yes, it has been heartbreaking. I am prepared, pero sabi nga nila, kahit gano ka ka-prepared masaktan, mas masakit when it hits you, right in front your face. Totoo yun. Maybe, im expecting too much, na when he read the letter, he would ask me to wait, kasi, i know na kayang kaya ko maghintay, but he did not. he ask me to move on. I know he has reasons, and maybe, it's the right thing he has to do and i respected that. It is true, indeed that truth always set us free, because right after he said those words to me even if it ripped my heart, accepting has been easier.

Midsummer Nights Dream. It all came too fast, and after that, i dont know where the hell i am anymore, the moment i woke up, my heart was crashing again. I thought, i was saved, but i was wrong, i was left more broken than ever. Sad but true, good things didnt last that long. He was more like a shooting star, he came by the time i didnt expect it, but for a moment, it was spectacular. Siguro nga, pinapaniwala ko lang yung sarili ko that he had loved me, na im just really the one who believed that "US" happens in summer. but still, i would like myself to believe that even for a moment he made me believe that i could hope and love again. And as a return for that favor, I wanted to be the one to change him, but sadly, as the quote said, "even unconditional love couldn't reform someone who doesnt want change". I know, i have known him for the shortest period of time, but somewhere in the process, i still know he has a good heart, i just hope by the time he finally had that contentment, i wish him to be happy.
Siguro lang, what hurts the most is the sudden stop. yung hindi ako naging prepared for the goodbye, it was all too soon. Literally, after him leaving me, i dont know what to say or feel, i just felt my heart sank because i know i'd brutally miss everything, and yes, i miss everything.

First Job. After a two serious heartbreaks, i got a job. What a blessing, and to tell you honestly, it was. I became a wedding coordinator- like Tony in Got to Believe, which i dream of becoming, and finally came true. Ayun nga lang, mala-tony din. Wander girl. Lagi nagfa-fantasize ng dream wedding nya. :P

Losing Lola. Its one of the saddest not just in 2009, but in my whole life, losing her. I used to grow up with her, sabi nga ng mga relatives ko, sa lahat ng apo niya, ako yung talagang inalagaan niya, ako ang paborito. It's been tough or more than that, that i wasnt able to talk to her before she passed away. The last time we saw each other is nung kakasakit niya pa lang, i was the one who feed her since ayaw niya kumain, that time, i really had this weird feeling, yung kakaibang fear, yung nakakaiyak na fear that maybe, this will be the last, and yes, it is. The fact that losing her, and never seeing her, touching her, holding her hand again is really heartbreaking till now. Sometimes, i still hear her voice, she still asks me what do i like to eat, i still hear her laugh, i can still feel her hands when she holds me, and i never stop crying. it is true, You never get over someone you really love even after she's gone.

Cinemalaya Cinco. I was such a fan. I really imagine myself writing a short film for it, pero syempre, pangarap pa lang yun till now. But hopefully someday, i live that dream. Cinemalaya has always been a source of inspiration to me. always been. And oh, i learned a lot of the short, BONSAI. it was a tear-jerker. One of the best shorts ive seen so far. :]

Second Work. I know im not into corporate, but fate brought me here- for now, and the good thing was, im slowly getting by even if, the later part has been tough and i felt like really really giving up. Maybe, i should really put more love into it in order to sustain it and for me to grow up.

21st Birthday. It was a blast because of my most loved favorite friends on earth was there- bohgita and touchy, partied and drink all night, yet, i was still bitter not better- and that's sad.

Volunteer. After my birthday, Ondoy came and it was devastating. Lucky enough, i became a volunteer for a relief operation in La Salle Greenhills, and i felt good afterwards. It's always always a happy feeling knowing you help save lives. For a moment, i felt like my idol, mother theresa.

Losing Sir RS. When i first heard that Sir RS passed away, felt really really sad because he's one of the few professors our block admired and loved. We love his dedication to his craft and how he passes the knowledge to us, students. Tuesdays with him has never been dull or boring, but tuesdays of wisdom and ugh, green jokes. :) He will be surely be missed.

Third Work. I was blessed because i was able to be part of EE Team for the first time. I would surely try my best not to disappoint them. Hopefully, i could work with them more often.

Loaded. Okay, i joined, and i dont know why. For the past weeks, i've been asking god what made me risk on this, but he said nothing, and so, i continue doing what i needed to do. I know it's risky, and i may fail sometimes, but hey, im now here.

He was like a Fireworks. I met him weeks ago and i found myself hopelessly head over heels. the first time he touched my hand, i know he's gonna be something id wished to have, and i almost had him, oh no, the other way around. Kahit walang assurance, i risk on being with him even if he's too young, even if i know it'll hurt me sooner or later, and it does. he was a sweet surprise, but just like the fireworks, he didnt last that long.
It's hard being always "one of the girls" when you know for a fact that you deserve more, that you need someone who would look you in the eye, and see yourself and no one else, that you need someone who will give you the assurance, the comfort, the happiness of being loved in return. i know, he's pretty young, and he may tend to play around, but that's not an excuse for hurting anyone's feelings- EVER. And even if i like him badly enough to even lose my pride, he should need a lot of growing up to do because he could have been so much more if he's really a good guy, too bad, he still isnt.

- Okay, 2009 is definetely not my year, it started and ended with pain. yet, i remain the same girl who risk and fail, but get up again. This year caused me emotional deaths that numb me for awhile, but managed to see the beauty of every goodbye. There is nothing more i could say, or things i should regret because things had been said and done, and its over. But today, im hoping that i remain to be the girl who heartfully believes and hopes that there is always goodness in everybody, and that is the ability to love.