I ask: If its worth fighting for.

Today, i visited my alma mater- DLSU-D with my thesismates, and yes, i was super HAPPY. Hindi ko ma-explain yung happiness when i saw them. parang nawala lahat ng sadness ko even for awhile. We took a picture, kamustahan, hug, kiss and that just it. Hindi ko nakuha grad pic ko, my solo picture during graduation was missing, I still dont have my alumni card. Okay, define bad luck= Joni. Still, happy pa din ako umalis ng school because i get to be with my friends kahit 40 minutes lang. I felt like Bad luck was following me: walang van sa tapat ng school, so sa may walter pa ako sumakay, i waited for almost 2 hrs. in alabang, both in mcdo and bonas coffee. The waiting is nothing actually, i could wait for hours, pero yung feeling ng loneliness and depression, its a bit deadly.

***

I made the turn-over sheet and i really dont know what im doing, and ill admit it. Alam ko naman yung gagawin ko, pero para akong nalipad. Im totally out of my system. Feeling ko, irritated na yung boss ko, obviously. Im speechless, i dont know how to defend myself, and i reallly dont know what to do. Lately, wala na ata talaga akong ginawang tama. Everything that i did, parang may sablay. Though i know, im doing my hardest to do it. Before leaving, I cried in the bathroom, because i dont feel well, my body aches, my head aches, i felt i was really down, i felt everything was crashing down. For the first time in my life, i felt i got no one to turn to. Then on my way home, i speak to god, i told him i felt like quitting, i ask him to give me more strength and to guide me. Also, i ask for god sign about emman, i ask him if its worth going this far, if its worth a shot, if its still worth fighting for. Then, i heard 'All i need', i felt like crying again.

***

yes, everything is a mess right now, im such a mess, but i know, god just wants me to cling into him. God wants me to have faith, and to surrender everything to him, I wish he could hear me, i know he could.