do you ever think of me?

"There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again; but you do."
***

Everyday is a struggle to NOT think about him anymore.

PFW Experience.

***

Philippine Fashion week experience was a blast! I really can't describe it. I had fun, enjoyed it with friends, took a lot of beautiful pictures and simply just enjoyed the show. I also had a great time with my half sister, Knoll. After the event, we both shared stories while having coffee and just catch up with each others lives. Hindi pa yan, when we got home, andami pa naming pinagusapan, actually, bitin pa nga kami. Every time we talked, andami andami naming natututunan sa isa't-isa. Even if we don't often see each other, i know right there and there we're gonna be friends forever. I know she would agree.

PS:
Special thanks to Babe (Chona Lee) for the tickets. We love you.♥

i am special.

Felt sad that I was being down again and again. I am weird, crazy and my mind was always afloat but i am more than that. I know i'm slow and i don't always get things right. I'm lovesick and i can be really really stupid. i don't deny that. But i would like people to understand, especially for those who always try to put me down that i am more than what they see. I may fail a billion times, but i always try to stand up and be better each time. I deserve to prove my worth and to be respected. I may not be as brilliant, pretty and as confident as others but i have a big heart and i hope somehow that people would learn to appreciate and value that.

the day i throw away a dream.

I did all my task and ready to leave. The thought of leaving doesn't make me feel sad, but felt more excited. It was crazy and i felt totally different since i hate the thought of saying 'goodbye'. Today, i feel that i'm doing the right thing even if its a dream i'm throwing away.

***

I open his FB page again and i promise that this will be the last. I know, i may break it in the next few days because i'm not really a believer of promises. Why make promise? okay, so let me cross that out. Eto nalang, I will try my hardest not to open his page again, so i wouldn't get hurt. just like now.

sadly walk away.

when a heart breaks, it don't break even.

***

After exactly one week, i unexpectedly saw him. I was so surprised and shock and all. Nung nakita ko pa siya, feeling ko nananaginip ako because i was looking at him and everything went blurred. Feeling ko kasi talaga naghahallucinate ako that i was imagining seeing him again. When he saw me and said the magic word 'hoy', i knew it was really him and i wake up. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko that i just waved my hand sadly and walk away.

didnt she know.

I went to WDC for my backpay and short bonding with Mam Lorraine, Sir Goy, Kristoffer and Lenny. I felt happy and excited that i was with them again. I was ecstatic when i share stories with them and they all listen. There was this time that i let them read my blog enty 'torn between two tensions' and Mam Lorraine cried. I was touched when she did because i know in my heart that even for a short while, i became special to her. Didn't she know that she was more than special to me, she was more than that.

i thought it was possible.

Sir Teddy and I talked regarding my resignation i texted last night. I still dont know why i did that or what the hell i was thinking. But there, i already did and let's see how far i can go for not thinking hardly enough. I was never a good decision maker, but whatever the consequences may be this time, i will try my best to stand up for it. After work, i meet up with Belle and Ann in Starbucks, ATC. We talked regarding Belle's problem for her Bohol trip. Thanks to her super ex-bf for the late notice. Ngayon ko lang nakita si twin na super iritado at galit. oh-oh. The talk almost took all of our time. Kawawa naman si twin. :(
After ATC, we went straight to Belle's house and as planned, nagswimming- swimming-an kami sa inflatable pool. Being with the two of them today, i feel suddenly okay. Ganun naman talaga ata pag malungkot, you wanted someone to be by your side all the time so we wouldn't feel alone. There was this moment, when belle and i suddenly talked about 'him', actually i did expect that we'll gonna talk about it, pero nagulat ako sa statement niya that totally crushed my heart, "Nilaglag ka na nga, hinabol mo pa" because it's true. I knew that this would happen, i was warned, but i never listen. I know it was all my fault, i shouldn't never really expected at the first place. Siguro lang, i thought he was possible, that it was possible. but sadly, for this one, dreams are just dreams and ideals will always be just ideals. He will never gonna come true.

lost all my sunshine.

"Somethings are better left unsaid."
***

I feel lost. It doesn't really suppose to feel this way, pero siguro, halo halo na din yung feelings ko that i can't contain it anymore. ilang araw na akong sad even up to this day. I have no money, i keep watching the clock hits six when im at work, mom and i are still not talking and the guy that i like didn't happen to like me back. I am not heartbroken, it's just that my heart was crushed and sliced and minced. I wanna get my life back, i wanna be okay and happy. I felt i lost all my sunshine. my life metaphorically has been raining so hard.

accept, not understand.

"sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted."
***

tell me i'm gonna be okay.

"Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting." -Khaled Hosseini
***

I really can't contain the sadness and i feel that it was all consuming me, every bit of me. Due to my sadness and lack of particular someone to talked to, i gm'd my whole phonebook "Tell me im gonna be okay" message and to my surprise, super daming nagreply. I was flooded with love and care. Nagulat ako that even those who don't often text me did send their message that i'm gonna be okay and i'll be better. Of course, it helps. I felt cared and loved and i felt blessed that even if im suffering from a self-inflicted pain, a lot of my friends took their time to send me comforting words that i should definitely put in mind. Although there is still sadness because things are not okay right now, i see light. And somehow, that spark of light helps me to keep going. I'm gonna be okay. I will.

sadness consumes me.

"There is a moment in our life that a person passes by and teaches us the pretty thing about not Expecting."
-Pauline Magluyan
***

I wake up with heavy eyes. I look at the mirror and fck, magang-maga ang mata ko for crying my heart out last night. Ngayon ko lang na-realize that i cried for about 3 hours. Still went to work even if im bothered and literally, in pain. After work, i meet-up with keem in Mini Stop. I shared my story and as always, he listens. I just need to let it all out, after i did, i felt a bit better. Went to Jeks house, thank god for his pagiging natural bully that i can't stop laughing. Kahit saglit lang, nakalimutan ko na malungkot pala ako. Dumating din si Gillie, KC, Karen and Arvin which is actually the originals. Sumali lang kami ni keem today, but i actually appreciated the invitation. I get so quiet na when they we're talking with stuffs na hindi ko ma-catch up since its their thing, but the thought that i was with them, after such a long time and i get to hear them laugh, it was a consoling feeling. Ayoko din naman magshare sa kanila, since they wouldn't understand. After the mini-reunion, naglakad ako pauwi in the middle of the dark and silence and still thinking. Hindi ko maintindihan yung sarili ko kung bakit ako apektado ng ganito, pero kahit ano kasi gawin ko, hindi ko pa din mapigilang malungkot dahil alam kong hindi na ulit kami maguusap.

wake-up call.

HOPE never leaves me, i was known to be the most hopeful even if its hopeless. but there were just days, i wanted to abandon it. Like today.

***

I wake up from a really good dream, but in reality, it was actually a wake up call for a nightmare. Our supposedly 'meet-up' for the second time didn't happen. Did i expect a lot? yes, A LOT. I know, it's bad pero siguro i was just really known for hoping too much even if it's just false hopes. I remember when i'm on my way to atc, i plan to buy him a cupcake and i'll place a 'sorry' note for what happened yesterday para makabawi lang. I texted him twice and i get no response. It wasn't actually the waiting part that hurts, it's the 'no-text-at-all' is. I said to myself that i'm gonna wait till eight, but when the clock hits 7:30, i ended up crying in the bathroom. I felt really sad, upset and disappointed. Yesterday was not the worst, it was actually today. Kung si Belle ang kasama ko kahapon for the back-up, today, unexpectedly, si marco. Naiyak ako at natauhan when he ask me to go home, "Hay joni..umuwi ka na" he said. I felt better when he spend a bit of his time to comfort me in such a way, and that he cares. He's the least person i thought would comfort me, but im really glad that he did just this once. On my way home and even at home, i still can't stop crying. Parang di ako mauubusan ng luha. Alam ko, wala naman ako dapat iiyak, siguro lang kasi i expected a LOT and it just hurts that i let myself. By 9pm, yung text na hinihintay ko the whole day finally came, I don't know if im gonna believe the reason but honestly, i didn't. It's the lamest. But whatever the reason is, he didn't even say sorry and it hurts just more.

High and Low.

This day was literally HIGH and LOW. I was so excited during the morning that i can't really focus to work. But as the time ticks, i'm getting more and more down and frustrated. I texted twin for the back-up so i could have someone to be with if he doesn't come. When i came to ATC, i just waited and my mind spins. There a lot of things running through my head and when twin came, i suddenly burst into tears. I'm at the verge of both talking and crying when he texted, i suddenly stop and smiled. you see how fast he can make me feel better? nakakainis. Meet him up in Breadtalk and oh, with his friends. Gulat ako that he's with friends pala at ang dami nila. Sobrang nahiya ako and i really don't know what to say when he said, "hoy, joke lang yun ha?" and i replied back, "lahat naman sayo joke time e".
After that statement, i ended up saying "una na kami" when i'm really not supposed to. I felt like really crying again when we left. Twin and I talked again and again and again and she tried her best to make me feel better and i really do appreciate it, sa totoo lang, i really dont know what i'm gonna do without her. Para kasi akong mababaliw sa pagka-paranoid. I was flying and falling in a really bad way for not knowing what went wrong and what was happening. Magkatext naman kami after the supposedly 'meet-up' pero i can sense that there is really something wrong and i mean, really wrong. siguro nga, misinterpretations. ganun lang kasimple, pero bakit hirap kong intindihin? Still, I can't stop myself for not thinking.

make it happen.

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your
heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You
just might get the thing you're wishing for." -OTH

***

I typed and update our database the whole day in the office. I'm really sad that Jenny's gonna leave. I was even touched when she gave me a Paulo Coelho book "Brida", i was surprised. And as a return, i bought her a cake in Breadtalk and hope she liked it.

***

I never wish for anything so bad, make it happen. please, make it happen.

i can freely breathe again.

It feels like all the sadness has been washed away since last night. We're a bit okay again, parang walang nangyaring gap. Nagkakatext ulit kami at nagco-comment sa FB. yung happiness ko is getting higher and higher each time na magreply siya or whenever i see his name on my notifications. After such a long time since we lose touch, i felt like a can freely breathe again.

the sorry that took one year.

"I haven't officially said sorry for everything. For everything i did wrong. Im very sorry. You're definitely a keeper. Im not sorry for meeting you..Im glad you're still in my life.. Somehow."

***

After a year, Emman pm'd me in FB chat and said sorry for everything. Of course, i was shocked. And i literally don't know what to say. Wala naman na dapat ipag-sorry eh, it's been a year and we both had moved on. But honestly, in my heart of hearts, i appreciated the 'sorry' and i felt like crying. Hindi kasi biro yung napagdaanan ko before ko masabi na okay na ako. Andami kong moving on process na ginawa just to simply get by. Although the relationship lasted for just a month, hindi naman nasusukat dun yung pagmahahal eh. I have given much more of what i can give and i have nothing to regret even if i was left unnoticed.

***

Jo texted me again after such a long time. And to my happiness, i literally can't sleep.

Freddy.

At last, we're almost complete. Sayang wala si Thea.
***

BOHGITA had lunch together and watch horror flick for a change. Supposedly, we're gonna watch the Cyrus movie, but we change our plan at the last minute. Nightmare at the Elm Street is freaky! We're scared as hell but we laughed it all out at the end of the movie. After the movie date, we meet Nanay Virgie (Prejola's mom) bonding lang with her and and then, watched Giggerboys and John Lloyd on their Starmagic mall show at the concert hall. Grabe, kahit malayo ako, ang gwapo ni AJ Perez but i wish, im much closer. Went home with Giselle, andami niyang kwento, she haven't changed and i hope she never would. I miss our jeepney talks, sosyal na kami ngayon, sa van na kami nagkukuwentuhan.

one more day.

"Sometimes, all we need is just one chance, just one."
-joni

***

I get a lot of advice today re: work. Since it's sir dinjo's last day today, he turn-over his tasks to me. Andami. yung iba nga hindi ko na ma-catch up pero i naintindihan ko naman. The one that i never forgot is when he adviced me to read a lot of books, blog and brush up my writing skills. During lunch, Si sir Teddy naman ang nag-advice sakin. Andaming task din that i needed to learn and do, im just hoping that i'll be able to adjust as soon as possible.

***

I was supposed to go to Kaye's party, kaya lang when i texted some batchmates, walang nagrereply. I waited for about an hour sa ATC, but sadly, no one did and so i ended up going home.

***

The quote up there is written by me wherein I use it as my status in FB. Unexpectedly again, he commented. He thought it's from OTH. As usual, the conversation is so non-sense pero okay na yun, atleast i get to talk to him for just one more day. Please make it last. when i was about to sleep, i received a quote from him. okay, GM. Goodnight.

getting better.

I had finished my article, Sir Dinjo checked it and this time maraming correction, as usual, past tense sentences again. I should always keep in mind to use future tenses. FUTURE! Argh. Nakaka-disheartened pero no, i won't give up kasi natututo naman ako. Focus, focus, focus.
Sir Teddy came in finally at the office, he shared a lots of stories how the election goes in their city. Grabe pala dun, literal na dayaan. *sigh* i totally can imagine na madami ding ganun sa ibang regions, hindi na naman kasi mawawala yun but I just hope nalang that whatever happens, kahit may mga dayaan na nangyayari, sana mas majority manalo yung talagang deserving.

***

Dinner with Twin in KFC, kwentuhan lang about stuffs, mostly about sa lovelife namin pareho. I feel okay, happy because things are getting better, but i wish na magtuloy-tuloy *crossfingers*.

FIFTEEN MINUTES.

***

Lasalle again after a week. Finally get to see Ate noi and the MPR boys! i missed them so much, i was so touched when i saw our pic (bohgita with them) in their office. I felt the connection we had with them is so special, ganun din naman sila samin. Nakakamiss tumambay sa office nila, parang wala pa ding pinagbago. The closeness is still there.

***

I got totally swept off tonight because unexpectedly, 2 person surprise me in FB. First, Emman pm'd me and he said that he missed me and i replied that i missed him too. pero honesly, the 'miss' that i feel is not like before. Hindi na ako yung longing or wishing. Siguro, if he said that months back, ako pa yung unang magsasabi nun. But things are different now. I felt deeply in my heart that i really did totally moved on.
Secondly, Jo commented on my "FIFTEEN MINUTES" stat that was really for him. Literal na nanginig ako at nag-chill. Ang weird. Siguro, hindi ko din na-contain yung different emotions that i feel when i suddenly saw his name on my notifications. I wanted to cry na nagparamdam ulit siya. Ang babaw diba? I had waited for so long just to hear from him again. And now that he did, although i know, it doesn't mean anything to him, i feel happiest.

early off.

Back to JUAN Office. Jenny and I both researched about the latest gadgets, then i write again (yes!) for another article. I didn't get the chance to finish, agang uwian. I'll gonna finish it tomorrow. :)

election day.

it's ELECTION DAY and im stuck home. Im so upset that i won't be able to vote. But still, i'm keeping my fingers crossed that G1BO wins for president and Binay for vice president. Let's go Philippines, let's go! :)

sam's album tour.

***

off by 6:30 from tween's house then straight to church for mass. After Mass, i just checked my FB and went straight to bed. Gees. Finally got my sleep just when i needed it most. When i woke up, i just wanna stay sana nalang sa house, but i decided to go to SM Bacoor and watched Sam's album tour! Buti nalang pala pumunta ko kasi, when i tito ray saw me, we went straight at the backstage and meet sam, tita gene at gabby. Medyo nahiya talaga ako kasi, hindi ako sanay na mag-isa, pero i felt comfortable naman sa greet nila, especially sam that even hugged me. Also, si Tita Gene as always, very very warm. :) I also meet tricia(samster) who's my ka-tweet in FB, then i saw Madz din! I missed her! I haven't seen her for ages! Anyway, ang bilis lang ng show and signing, late na din kasi ako e. But it's okay, at least, i finally able to see them again.

***
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM!

as one, again.

***

This day is one of the best reunions i ever been to. Super happy and surprised that the planned reunion went well and happy! Unexpected people came and it was a blast! First who had come ofcourse, the bohgita group, then chupafru, then sunod sunod na. We had heavy dinner at Giligans. Tawanan, picturan at madaming catching up. what happens to who. After dinner, sumama ako kay Jack for he's gonna buy flowers for her mom while im gonna buy a cake naman. Then, he went to TGIF, may bibisitahin lang daw siya and then i waited for a few minutes outside. Sadly, i did'nt saw him. When we went back to giligans, everyone looked at me and i said, I didn't saw him. *sigh* maybe, it wasn't really meant.

***

After making Giligans a night club because of our "howls" when tina sings, we decided to have coffee in starbucks. This is the highlight of the reunion wherein secrets are revealed without judgments in a form of a game. The first is the" tumblr of truth" wherein, Everyone is free to ask a question and if its true, you'll gonna sip the cup. Andaming revelations. :) The second game is "2 truth and a lie", one would say two truths and one lie of herself, then the rest will guess what the lie is. Exciting nga ung mga games e, thanks to Minay for being so genius. Sarado na ang ATC at ayaw pa namin talaga umuwi, kung hindi pa kami naawa sa mga employee ng starbucks dahil hindi din sila makauwi dahil samin. Since, we dont wanna go home yet, we stayed in MCDO. papaumaga lang. wala ng energy yung iba at ako din since its late and sleepy na din. May iba't iba na nga kaming ginagawa e. when the clock hits 4:30 am, we decided to go home. Nakakalungkot that we're gonna say our goodbyes again cause we know, matatagalan pa ulit before we see each other again or magkaron ng reunion like this one. We hugged each other and said our "we'll gonna see each other soon".

***

The best thing about our block is even if we know each and everyone's flaws and even if we are all completely different, but as one, we are all the same. I am proud that we have grown, we have learned and we still have each other.

coming back home.

***

Finally, after such a long time, i was able to visit my Alma Mater again! Although hindi naging successful ang pagpapa-clearance ko kasi wala si Ate Noi at Mam Quadra. gees. But the reward? I finally have my yearbook and alumni ID! But that's not it, I miss the newly graduate jou friends- thessa, pam and alex, the moment i enter CAD, they happily said my name, i feel so welcomed. Also, i was so surprised when Boypren and Idol came, Haven't seen them for ages! Kamustahan lang and picturan. :) Funny thing happened today? Grabe, hindi ako nakaligtas kay sir Artin, he asked me to sing the Alma mater song, but i end up writing it instead. haha. Kahit pano, nakatakas pa din ako. And oh, finally! Hard-bound na thesis namin! After one year. haha.

***

I love visiting my Alma Mater. It always feels like coming back home. :)

past tenses and grammars.

waited with jenny for Sir Dinjo to come at the office. As usual, we talked about politics. Since it's the latest issue today. We both agreed and we really can't believe that Erap is running 2nd for presidency. It was insane.

***

Anyway, What good thing happened today? uhm, Sir Dinjo checked my work, the one i did yesterday. It's about how to get to caramoan and the sidebar's. I feel like I'm gonna burst because i was very tense but to my surprise, minor revision is needed lang naman. mostly, my past tenses and some bad grammars. Okay.

writing again.

Jenny and I went to Intercon and Greencross just across the South Tower Building to deliver magazines. I thought it's okay to walk since it's just a block away, but hell, it was so freakin' hot that everytime we see a shade, sumisilong talaga kami, cause everytime we walk, we felt our skin burns. Goodthing nalang, Jenny's with me, atleast hindi ko masyado nafe-feel ung pag-burn ng skin namin sa init ng araw kasi naguusap naman kami habang naglalakad. We went back to office by lunch, unfortunately, we ran out of lunch sa canteen that we end up going to jollibee. Heat stroke again. Haha. After lunch, Sir Dinjo left the office, Sir Mike stays with us. But before Sir Dinjo left, he gave me an assignment, something to write about. hoo-hoo! Finally! i'll be able to write na! He asked me to write and research how to get to Caramoan, at first, i'm struggling with words but as i read some info's over the net, writing becomes easier. Sir Mike also explains the process of how to make 'Juan Magazine', he explain how it started and how it evolves. Infairness, kahit random yung explaination, jenny and i learned a lot. *Thank you Sir Mike.*

No risk, no gain.

Went to my new office, i felt uneasy and lost all at the same time but since andito na ako, i HAVE to feel okay. I really have to. Yep, siguro kasi it's my first time in the new office and i miss my old one, my old boss, my old work but each time and everytime i move on the new one, i kept wondering if i ever made the right choice. And at the end of the day, when im talking to a new friend, Jenny, an OJT from JUAN, I said that I feel sad. No risk, no gain.

***

Meet-up with Bryan. Long time no see. No issues. He just needed a friend to confide with re: ex. we talked and had coffee in Tea Leaf, i hope i did give the right advices and i totally wish it helps. We're supposed to watch a movie but since i'm really not okay and i'm suffering from a serious headache, we went home instead. Even sa byahe, hilong hilo talaga ako. Di manlang ako maayos na nakapag-bye kay bryan. Boo. Nung nasa village na ako, i feel that im gonna throw up, buti nalang i have a plastic with me and then, baam. i threw up. Eewee. I don't really know why i felt really sick that night that i ended up threwing up. WTF.

valued.

i finally texted Mam Lorraine regarding my resignation. Although the conversation went smoothly and she understands, i felt really sad and so guilty for leaving. At the end of the conversation, we both end up crying on the phone. Then, after my conversation with Mam Lorraine, Sir Goy also called, ask few questions why am i gonna resign and that he heard the news. We talked and i am happy that he also did understand. I always knew that he will and that they will easily free me but I didn't expect that it'll be this hard for me to say goodbye. It wasn't that long, but the value they have given me, is more than enough for them to value them back. I am thankful and blessed that i was given an opportunity to work with them and to know that them as well.

***

I know my decision is abrupt and selfish but i this is what my heart tells me to do: to follow my dreams. I don't know if i'm making the right choice, but i wouldn't know, unless i jump.

surpass.

***

Spend the whole day with Lolo in Madocs Hospital in Kalaw. When we came, felt really sad that he's sick and seeing him that way, that weak makes me wanna cry. Lalo na yung moment that i hold his hand and he doesn't want to let go. I am hoping and praying that he'll be better and that god would give him much more strength to surpass and fight the disease.

Ville Sommet.

***

wedding for the first time in Ville Sommet Tagaytay. The place is whoah. I just love tagaytay weddings! :) Anyway, as usual, im assigned with the bride again. Okay naman at first, we had given time naman to took pictures since wala pa naman ginagawa. But when the prep starts, super busy na, i felt really tired before and after the church ceremony. Reception was okay, been able to rest naman kahit pano. Whew. This wedding took all of my energy but worth it naman in the end, kasi the bride complimented me and how i did a great job. Her compliment is really more than enough. :) paid off yung pagod. We had coffee in Bag of Beans (couples treat!). Grabe, their frappe is so yummy, bitin nga lang. Went home late, super tired for the day. whew.