Unhappy.

I woke up early. Weird yung feeling kasi, first time ko nakasama yung team na matulog. Kakaiba lang yung feeling. Awkward na hindi ko ma-define. Basta, it was just weird. Okay, first time ko magsleep over sa hotel. loser ba? anyway, maraming first today. Sleepover sa hotel, first assigned task during the meeting, turn-overs, church works, paglagay ng corsage sa entourage, and im getting it little by little. One step at a time, but yes, im now learning.

***

Tiring. This wedding day is tiring, because we needed to re-set-up because of heavy rain in the lounge. And so, we helped set it all up. Basta, unexplainable din yung pagod, but after all of it all, i dont know, i felt sad again, not tired. Although, niloloko nila ako and all, i felt i was just faking my smiles and laughs. I felt unhappy, unhappy sa lahat ng bagay, yun pa naman yung ayoko maramdaman, because i always wanted to think i'm blessed and ive got other things- more important things. But that's not the way it is today, yes, i got work, friends, family but i still feel incomplete, i felt something is missing and lacking. I felt there's a small hole in my chest.
Am i happy? I really honestly believe that I'm not.

***

Naalala ko tuloy yung sabi niya sakin before he broke up with me, na ayaw niya na magkakasakitan kami in the long run. Unfair lang kasi, short run o long run, mas masakit ang mawala siya. mas doble ang sakit. para akong nahulog sa bangin at tinamaan ng shot gun.