Two Things.

There are two things running in my head today:


1. He loves me that's why he chose to leave me.

2. He finds someone new and falls out of love.


Okay, i know, i should b OVER that thought weeks back but i just cant help but think and think and think. yes, im thinking too much everyday and it definitely sucks- bigtime. I know, im such a loser for being so pathetic, hell pathetic. But i just can't seem to weigh that two thoughts in my head, which one's true and which is false. So, ill try to elucidate some things why these thoughts keep coming back like lost souls haunting me.


1. He loves me that's why he chose to leave me.

Firstly, i had felt that he had loved me. I'm not assuming and all, but i felt the sincerity of his heart. I maybe wrong or i maybe right, but I'm still betting on my cards that yes, he had loved me. Before the break-up, we had our misunderstandings about my past, of not trusting and believing, of me being afraid. I promised to him that i wouldn't be, that I'll fight hard not to be afraid anymore but i fail him-again. I didn't trust him, i didn't believe in him, i didn't call him, i didn't text him, i didn't ask for the truth, i didn't do anything and he thought that i left him hanging. Yes, i know i was wrong for doing nothing. I was wrong for being so paranoid and yes, for not asking before assuming. I was wrong and he was indeed right that in order for one relationship to grow, one should trust and believe in each other but I was such a coward. I've been a coward.
In my mind, i wanted to think that yes, maybe he loves me that's why he wanted me to grow and not be the same old 'me' whose always haunted by her past, as he says.He wanted me to learn how to keep promises and able to fulfill it. And finally, he loves me that's why he wanted me to learn how to trust and believe without reservations because that's just how love works.

2. He finds someone new and falls out of love.

Before the break-up, he was just so cold that i can't feel him. He was cold as if I'm nobody. He was cold and it's killing me. I tried to reach out by simply being the same me who wants to be her sunshine, all the time of everyday. But it's harder than i thought. I pretended that I'm okay, really okay, but I'm not, because he is different. I felt pushed away and not needed. And then, an issue came that totally broke my heart, and i don't know where the hell i am anymore. As many have said, he's the type of guy whose 'babaero' and all, because he got looks plus the car and the money. She can dig out all the girls she wants because his sweetness and thoughtfulness is really to die for. Maybe, he does find another and he falls out of love with me. Maybe, he grew tired of all the mushy-gushy things we shared. But isn't that fast? He promised me that he'll do everything to keep me and he'd always stay as infinitely as possible but he doesn't. I thought, he would give us another chance, one last chance cause if he loves me, really does, he wouldn't give up on me that fast. Isn't it? that's the least thing he would probably thought and do. I thought he would fight hard for us to work this out, but ironically, he didn't and he left me that easily.

Okay. That's it. I poured my two thoughts today, and it's a relief. It's a mixture of good and bad feeling. I hate myself for letting those thoughts keep running back because i know,
i wouldn't be able to answer which weigh heavier. Although, i don't have the answer, and I'm not the one whose capable to answer it, I'm pathetic, brutally pathetic for still trying to think about it over and over again.