goodbye, 2009.

Graduation. The best yet one of the saddest part of 2009 was closing the chapter of my college life. La Salle Dasma has been always a second home and knowing the fact that i need to go and expand my horizons has been scary as hell. School has shaped and mold me to be the person i am now, and to that, i am more grateful than regretful to the times i stumble and fail during my college years. College Life has been a turning point of finding my weakness and strength, sadness and happiness, and of my greatest desires and dreams. It has been a teacher of valuing time, sacrifice, patience, love and friendship. I will always remember my worst and best years- Major Productions, undying Thesis revisions, reporting, minor and major defense, lack of sleep, depression, low grades, but amidst all of that, i will always look back the times of brainstorming and bonding at the JFH grounds, teamwork in every production, inspiring professors, CAD, my college love, my schoolmates, my SOLID BLOCK, and the dedication to my craft. I will always remember my second home and all the lessons i've learned along the way.

Having our New HOME. Again and again, we moved. But hopefully, this will be the last and final home we live in to. And oh, i just love my room, because it's always summer-y.

Final Goodbye, College Love. I take the courage to give a final letter which i put all my heart into to this one special guy. I spill out all the unsaid things i should've said long time ago, but really to damn scared to say, i know i shouldn't, not in time that he had moved on. But i know myself, i dont like regrets, and even after its too damn late, i dont regret giving it to him because i get all the answers i needed to hear. Although yes, it has been heartbreaking. I am prepared, pero sabi nga nila, kahit gano ka ka-prepared masaktan, mas masakit when it hits you, right in front your face. Totoo yun. Maybe, im expecting too much, na when he read the letter, he would ask me to wait, kasi, i know na kayang kaya ko maghintay, but he did not. he ask me to move on. I know he has reasons, and maybe, it's the right thing he has to do and i respected that. It is true, indeed that truth always set us free, because right after he said those words to me even if it ripped my heart, accepting has been easier.

Midsummer Nights Dream. It all came too fast, and after that, i dont know where the hell i am anymore, the moment i woke up, my heart was crashing again. I thought, i was saved, but i was wrong, i was left more broken than ever. Sad but true, good things didnt last that long. He was more like a shooting star, he came by the time i didnt expect it, but for a moment, it was spectacular. Siguro nga, pinapaniwala ko lang yung sarili ko that he had loved me, na im just really the one who believed that "US" happens in summer. but still, i would like myself to believe that even for a moment he made me believe that i could hope and love again. And as a return for that favor, I wanted to be the one to change him, but sadly, as the quote said, "even unconditional love couldn't reform someone who doesnt want change". I know, i have known him for the shortest period of time, but somewhere in the process, i still know he has a good heart, i just hope by the time he finally had that contentment, i wish him to be happy.
Siguro lang, what hurts the most is the sudden stop. yung hindi ako naging prepared for the goodbye, it was all too soon. Literally, after him leaving me, i dont know what to say or feel, i just felt my heart sank because i know i'd brutally miss everything, and yes, i miss everything.

First Job. After a two serious heartbreaks, i got a job. What a blessing, and to tell you honestly, it was. I became a wedding coordinator- like Tony in Got to Believe, which i dream of becoming, and finally came true. Ayun nga lang, mala-tony din. Wander girl. Lagi nagfa-fantasize ng dream wedding nya. :P

Losing Lola. Its one of the saddest not just in 2009, but in my whole life, losing her. I used to grow up with her, sabi nga ng mga relatives ko, sa lahat ng apo niya, ako yung talagang inalagaan niya, ako ang paborito. It's been tough or more than that, that i wasnt able to talk to her before she passed away. The last time we saw each other is nung kakasakit niya pa lang, i was the one who feed her since ayaw niya kumain, that time, i really had this weird feeling, yung kakaibang fear, yung nakakaiyak na fear that maybe, this will be the last, and yes, it is. The fact that losing her, and never seeing her, touching her, holding her hand again is really heartbreaking till now. Sometimes, i still hear her voice, she still asks me what do i like to eat, i still hear her laugh, i can still feel her hands when she holds me, and i never stop crying. it is true, You never get over someone you really love even after she's gone.

Cinemalaya Cinco. I was such a fan. I really imagine myself writing a short film for it, pero syempre, pangarap pa lang yun till now. But hopefully someday, i live that dream. Cinemalaya has always been a source of inspiration to me. always been. And oh, i learned a lot of the short, BONSAI. it was a tear-jerker. One of the best shorts ive seen so far. :]

Second Work. I know im not into corporate, but fate brought me here- for now, and the good thing was, im slowly getting by even if, the later part has been tough and i felt like really really giving up. Maybe, i should really put more love into it in order to sustain it and for me to grow up.

21st Birthday. It was a blast because of my most loved favorite friends on earth was there- bohgita and touchy, partied and drink all night, yet, i was still bitter not better- and that's sad.

Volunteer. After my birthday, Ondoy came and it was devastating. Lucky enough, i became a volunteer for a relief operation in La Salle Greenhills, and i felt good afterwards. It's always always a happy feeling knowing you help save lives. For a moment, i felt like my idol, mother theresa.

Losing Sir RS. When i first heard that Sir RS passed away, felt really really sad because he's one of the few professors our block admired and loved. We love his dedication to his craft and how he passes the knowledge to us, students. Tuesdays with him has never been dull or boring, but tuesdays of wisdom and ugh, green jokes. :) He will be surely be missed.

Third Work. I was blessed because i was able to be part of EE Team for the first time. I would surely try my best not to disappoint them. Hopefully, i could work with them more often.

Loaded. Okay, i joined, and i dont know why. For the past weeks, i've been asking god what made me risk on this, but he said nothing, and so, i continue doing what i needed to do. I know it's risky, and i may fail sometimes, but hey, im now here.

He was like a Fireworks. I met him weeks ago and i found myself hopelessly head over heels. the first time he touched my hand, i know he's gonna be something id wished to have, and i almost had him, oh no, the other way around. Kahit walang assurance, i risk on being with him even if he's too young, even if i know it'll hurt me sooner or later, and it does. he was a sweet surprise, but just like the fireworks, he didnt last that long.
It's hard being always "one of the girls" when you know for a fact that you deserve more, that you need someone who would look you in the eye, and see yourself and no one else, that you need someone who will give you the assurance, the comfort, the happiness of being loved in return. i know, he's pretty young, and he may tend to play around, but that's not an excuse for hurting anyone's feelings- EVER. And even if i like him badly enough to even lose my pride, he should need a lot of growing up to do because he could have been so much more if he's really a good guy, too bad, he still isnt.

- Okay, 2009 is definetely not my year, it started and ended with pain. yet, i remain the same girl who risk and fail, but get up again. This year caused me emotional deaths that numb me for awhile, but managed to see the beauty of every goodbye. There is nothing more i could say, or things i should regret because things had been said and done, and its over. But today, im hoping that i remain to be the girl who heartfully believes and hopes that there is always goodness in everybody, and that is the ability to love.